


Amaryllis

by ChasingXepher



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, But I promise you it has a happy ending, Despite all the angst there are fluffy soft moments I promise, Dumb idiots in love who don't know how to communicate their damn feelings, Escapism, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Lack of Communication, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mild Sexual Content, Minor Dorothea Arnault/Petra Macneary, Minor Edelgard von Hresvelg/My Unit | Byleth, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Post-Time Skip, Trauma/baggage mentions, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Written for Nanowrimo 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:08:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 27,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22795282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChasingXepher/pseuds/ChasingXepher
Summary: “Goodnight.”It was a simple goodnight yet it still felt like a goodbye. And Felix knew, whatever this was, would come to an end eventually. He was delaying the inevitable with his sugar-coated lies he fed himself by the spoonful.Stay. Please stay.Felix felt like he was choking on broken glass.You're everything I wantBut I can't deal with all your loversYou're saying I'm the oneBut it's your actions that speak louderHe watched Sylvain leave.
Relationships: Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier
Comments: 9
Kudos: 60





	1. What will it mean that I didn't take a chance on you?

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo~ Welcome to this angsty clusterfuck of an idea I wrote for Nanowrimo 2019~ ♡ Slyvix is my ultimate OTP for FE3H and I've written 50k worth of stuff with them so prepare for lots of content! :3 This fic was the bulk of my writing month, just short of 30k and split into 3 parts. DIDN'T MEAN FOR THIS TO BE THAT LONG BUT I GOT INVESTED SO HERE WE ARE. PREPARE FOR THE FEELS TRAIN.
> 
> HUGE SHOUTOUT TO CAROLINE AND KEN FOR BEING MY BETA TESTERS!! You guys are my patron saints and I don't know what I would have done without you!!! T u T <3 BLOWS YOU BOTH KISSES!!! If anyone wants to beta read the other 2 parts pls let me know!! 
> 
> It gets worse before it gets better but I promise this has a happy ending!! THESE BOYS DESERVE NOTHING LESS! And I'm not gonna spoil anything but the event that went down with Sylvain isn't exactly what you think. ;P He's just not being upfront and honest, and neither is Felix. They're both idiots that need to communicate smh
> 
> And finally, check out my playlist!! What started out with uh,,, 15 songs escalated out of control and now we have,,,, 40. If there's not at least one pop-punk song, is it really a playlist from me, honestly.This ended up being a fave playlist even though it's angsty lmao. If you don't want to listen to the whole thing, here are the top 5 songs:  
> 
> 
> [Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5SEo8Hn3Ud2QQ9Jbf51rBx?si=NLlYo00wR6-95eqnixTXngl)
> 
> 1\. Forever - Papa Roach (The song that started it all! Literal reason this fic exists in the first place.)  
> 2\. I Love You So - The Walters (Angst and emotions of Felix)  
> 3\. Motel - Meg Myers (Sylvain's POV and internal thoughts)  
> 4\. 3AM - Halsey (Sylvain's POV and internal thoughts)  
> 5\. Is There Somewhere - Halsey (Angst and heartache when it comes to love)
> 
> And most importantly, Amaryllis by Shinedown! Do not listen to that until the finale, though~ ;P
> 
> Thank you to everyone who supported me through this endeavor~ Hopefully my executive dysfunction won't be a bitch so I edit part 2 and 3 in a timely manner sjkdfkdksdksl

Amaryllis

Part 1

  
  


Looking back, Felix couldn't process how this had even started. Repressed feelings, mixed with moments of vulnerability, desire and exploration, and perhaps just the need to _feel_ . To feel _something – anything_ in this decrepit wasteland known as war.

' _Make me feel alive'_ was the whispered voice that night it all began. The needy kisses, the soft caresses, tangled in the sheets, the whispers dripping off the tongue like it was a silent prayer. Felix couldn't remember who initiated it, he figured it was Sylvain, but truth be told it was a blur – a dissociated memory. Felix only knew that it just happened and it felt right.

If it was just a one-time occurrence the two men could write it off like nothing happened. Bury the hatchet in the dirt and forget about it. Call it a moment of exploration or desperation between best friends who trusted each other like no other – nothing more, nothing less. Let the fabricated lie of ‘ _it didn't mean anything’_ fall of their tongues and let it be. But it didn't stop and Felix didn't want it to stop. It went on to the point where Felix lost track of how many nights they came together.

And here they were again, tangled in the sheets, making love while the moonlight kissed their backs. Perhaps making love wasn't the correct term – It wasn't like they were in love. Felix knew that. He knew that. Sylvain, wouldn't, couldn't, ever feel that way about him. He was just lying to himself if he thought otherwise. It was just _sex_ . But even still, it wasn't fucking. No, there was too much tenderness and trust displayed between the two men that it couldn't be called that. It just _was_ .

Whatever it was, Felix made sure to keep his distance emotionally. Not say much, not give too much. Choking on the words ' _I love you'_ because he knew he would regret that far worse than the actions happening right now. And yet...

Pressing kisses down Sylvain's chest elicited a visceral emotion he couldn't explain. He felt Sylvain's breath hitch as Felix nipped at the space between his collarbone like a prayer, and then a soft cry as Felix bit down hard, claiming the spot.

Claiming him.

Claiming a friend.

Even when he could never be, and had never been.

He straddled the man's lap, pressing up against his skin as if the contact would make the puzzle piece of his entity fit just right. But they were doomed from the start. Because this thing, whatever it was, didn't mean anything. Sylvain had more puzzle pieces that would fit better than Felix ever would.

Sometimes Sylvain would make eye contact with Felix during everything. Sometimes he'd even cry his name out as he came down from his high, causing Felix to shake and have to ground himself. He had to remind himself constantly that Sylvain was just being Sylvain. He probably cried the name of every lover he ever bedded; Felix wasn't any different. No use fooling himself.

And yet Felix felt something every time, shaking him to the core. Felix didn't believe in the goddess, but he found himself believing in her every time Sylvain would cry out and tremble under the ministrations delivered unto him. Because it was he who caused this. Felix. Not _them._ His heartbeat quickened as he heard Sylvain hastily cry out that he was close. As was he.

But then that sickening reminder came flooding back into his brain, causing him momentarily to leave the headspace that he so carefully crafted as to not let this consume him.

He knew that as soon as they finished it would end and Sylvain would leave like he always did. And every time it was like a knife in the gut, twisting hard and causing his insides to spill out.

His emotional rollercoaster of thoughts ended abruptly when Sylvain cried his name and that very sound was enough to put Felix over the edge as well. They shuddered against one another, toes curling, bodies pressed together as if they were a complete and whole being. Oh, how Felix wished to think so.

They came off their high, nestled into the crook of each other's bones, fitting just perfectly. _Just a facade of perfection,_ Felix reminded himself. Their breathing softened and Felix was the first to pull away, steady himself, and begin to gather his clothes. It wasn't until after a few moments where Sylvain caught his breath that he was able to do the same.

The high still rushed through his veins but Felix did his best to ignore it, and ignore Sylvain as he got dressed, choking on the words he wanted to say. He furrowed his brows and turned to look at the redhead who did his best to look presentable despite the fact that it was late at night and no one would see him anyways. Typical Sylvain.

Felix expected him to leave but he stood on the balls of his feet, giving himself a good full body stretch, a happy blissful expression gracing his features. Felix hated it. He hated it so much because it caused him to feel a rush of butterflies catching in his sternum.

Sylvain then turned to Felix and his eyes softened. He gave Felix one of his trademark shit-eating grins and Felix yearned to think it was a look reserved for him and only him.

Who was he kidding?

Still... The look caused a visceral reaction making him want nothing more than to kiss that stupid grin off his face. He kissed him before but he didn't do it right so he yearned to do it again and again. Vowed to make it work. He clenched his fists, steeling his resolve to mutter, ' _Stay_ ' because if he did that would shatter everything and he couldn't bear the consequences.

Felix was both a coward and a liar and when a person was both a coward and a liar they were a danger to themselves. No facade and no mask, could hide that.

Felix's eyes trailed over Sylvain's lips which opened to speak but Felix beat him to it.

“Don't forget about training tomorrow.” He hardened his features setting his lips in a tight line as he muttered the reminder.

Sylvain's eyes crinkled in their own little smile at the mention, and he laughed, light and airy. Felix hated just how much he grew to like his laugh. He used to hate it – it felt like nails on a chalkboard. But they were teens then and now they were young adults. A lot has changed.

More than Felix would like to admit.

“Yeah, yeah.” There was that stupid grin again. “Would I ever let you down?”

Felix couldn't answer that. Wasn't sure if he was ready to think of the possibility of Sylvain doing just that. Perhaps he already was. But maybe it was Felix's own fault for letting his feelings get the best of him, clouding his judgment, however slight.

He just grunted, ignoring the question altogether, instead replying, “Crack of dawn. Meet me at the dining hall.”

“I wouldn't miss it for the world.”

Sylvain stood there in silence for a while, neither man filling the gap with empty useless chatter. The static in Felix's brain thickened and he was glad when Sylvain finally broke him out of his reverie, for he could say something he could possibly regret.

“Well, I should get some beauty sleep,” Sylvain grinned, though his playfulness was starting to fate from being tired. “Can't have you besting me tomorrow, can I?”

Felix snorted, crossing his arms over his chest. “Taking your training seriously, finally? It's about time.”

Felix watched him turn away and then pad across the wooden floorboards to exit his old dorm. Felix held his breath as if the action would prevent the plea of “stay” from tumbling out his mouth. He felt like he was suffocating.

He yearned for him to turn around. Yearned for him to stay by his side, forever if he wished. Yearned to kiss him until he was breathless. Yearned to tell him the whirlwind of thoughts flickering through his head. Yearned to tell him the truth that he kept hidden in the recesses of his beating heart. The things left unsaid. The things Felix couldn't bear to hear.

“Goodnight.”

It was a simple goodnight yet it still felt like a goodbye. And Felix knew, whatever this was, would come to an end eventually. He was delaying the inevitable with his sugar-coated lies he fed himself by the spoonful. _Stay. Please stay._

Felix felt like he was choking on broken glass.

_You're everything I want_

_But I can't deal with all your lovers_

_You're saying I'm the one_

_But it's your actions that speak louder_

He watched Sylvain leave.

~

A hint of sunlight filtered through his window, kissing his soft skin and causing his eyelids to flutter open slowly. The swordsman yawned and stretched, running a hand through his locks of hair before getting up. He got dressed quickly and tied his hair back in a ponytail.

Slipping past the old dorms Felix made his way over to the dining hall. Of course, he was the first to arrive. He practically rolled his eyes. He'd give Sylvain a few minutes before giving up and retreating inside. Though it wasn't winter quite yet, there was still a frost kissing the ground causing the man to pull his scarf closer to his neck.

He had such intolerance to the cold and cursed himself for not bringing a pair of gloves. Thankfully, the universe be damned, Sylvain managed to make his appearance in a timely manner. Felix almost thanked him.

“I’m impressed. You actually managed to make yourself present in a timely manner.”

Sylvain grinned, putting his hands behind his head. “It helps that I wanted to see you again.”

If Felix wasn’t already wearing a poker face, he might have shown a reaction. Might have slipped and shown vulnerability and surprise. But thankfully Felix expected this, and he reminded himself with bitterness, that it didn’t mean anything.

_Just sugar-coated words dipped in honey to help the lies go down better._

“If only you were as ready to fight as you are to joke.” Sylvain’s smile faltered, but then he was back to wearing that shit-eating grin. Under normal circumstances, a person might not have noticed, but Felix wasn’t just any person and he noticed.

“Hey, that one wasn’t a joke. Honest.” He held his hands up as if he was being interrogated and then laughed to break the tension. But it was imaginary tension and it was all made up in Felix’s head.

“I actually like spending time with you, Felix.”

“Gag me,” Felix mocked, narrowing his eyes. “Let’s get some food. Don’t want you passing out on me because you were too stupid to eat.”

The two men made their way into the dining hall which was barren aside from the cooks. They ordered their food and sat at a table near a window where the glass was frosted over. Sylvain traced patterns on the pane and it took everything in Felix’s willpower not to roll his eyes.

When they were out in public they never acted any different and neither mentioned anything about their rendezvous. It was hush-hush and that was that. From an outside perspective, no one would ever know what the two were doing behind closed doors. No one would ever guess that their late-night meetups were so they could go back to one of their old dorms and melt under each other’s touches.

No one would have any idea.

But sometimes Sylvain's eyes would settle on Felix for too long. Sometimes he'd give him a look that showed a desire to kiss him, but Felix was never quite sure if he was imagining it or if it was real.

Sometimes his hands would linger when they'd reach for his shoulder or arm. Sometimes their fingers would touch and their skin would graze and it felt like fire under Felix's veins and Felix wanted to drown in it. He swore he’d light himself on fire for Sylvain.

But if you play with fire you're bound to get burned. And eventually, Felix would get burned; no matter how much he told himself otherwise.

One of the cooks delivered their meals and drinks. Scrambled eggs with sauteed vegetables, and milk. No chives on Sylvain's dish because he hated onions. And as if reading his mind, Sylvain turned up his nose as soon as Felix's dish was sat down. “I can't believe you actually eat onions!”

“And I can't believe you actually don't.”

Sylvain greedily tore into his meal, talking with his mouth somewhat full, as if he wasn't Gautier nobility or anything. “Honestly, I'm convinced I need to marry someone who hates onions as much as I do,” He paused for a moment to take another bite, before continuing his thought. “Or I have to marry someone who will eat all the onions for me. That's true love right there.”

“That's a completely valid reason to marry someone.” Felix’s words dripped with sarcasm. “Honestly, you're just picky.”

“Nah, I just don't like the texture.” He smirked. “Y'know, though, you can eat onions for both of us. If you eat mine, I might just marry you.”

Felix resisted the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose, “What a charming proposal.”

Their breakfast went on just like that, Sylvain rambling and chatting up a storm like he always does, and Felix just listening, occasionally making a retort at something he said. When they were finished they headed back outside to catch the sunrise peeking through the mist, warming their skin ever so slightly.

Heading to the training grounds, the two men grabbed their weapons from storage and stretched their muscles in preparation for their physical endeavors. Felix's goal was just to warm up for the time being, thrusting his sword at a training dummy that looked as if it was ready to fall apart. They all looked in wretched condition but the one Felix tended to beat down was the worst looking of them all, aside from the ones that caught fire from magic training.

Felix saw Sylvain thrusting his own lance towards a dummy, every now and then feeling his eyes glued to his every move. Felix tried to not let it divert his attention; his thoughts of Sylvain, or Sylvain himself. After a solid chunk of warming up, Felix stopped to take a moment of respite, chugging a gulp of water from a mug he brought from the dining hall.

After awhile Sylvain did the same, though not before landing a few good hits just to show off in front of Felix. The man could never _not_ show off when it came to fighting.

“I think that's enough warm-up,” Felix nodded with approval. “If you're ready, we can begin a duel.”

“I was born ready,” Sylvain smirked, pointing his lance in Felix's direction. “Prepare to lose.”

“As if,” Felix snorted, rolling his eyes. “As always, ground rules are as follows. No magic, blunt contact only, no groin or face shots, and last but not least no foul play. Weapons only, no fists and feet allowed.”

Sylvain nodded with understanding, and he waited with bated breath as Felix began the countdown.

5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

Sylvain gave a start, lunging prematurely out of habit just as Felix counted down to one. He always jumped the gun and launched right into offensive moves so Felix was expecting this. What he wasn't expecting was the lance to pivot in his hands sharply to the left, narrowly grazing Felix’s back.

_Damn._ He was impressed. Perhaps Sylvain was actually training behind his back.

During their post-war years of being teens, Sylvain was far lazier when it came to honing his craft. That isn't to say he was horrible by any means. He was smart and he had what it took to be a capable paladin, he just never applied himself as much as he should. Yet years later, Felix was seeing all the years of improvement and dedication the redhead exhibited.

Sylvain often spoke of wanting to learn magic, along with riding horseback so he could be a dark knight and at the hands of Byleth, they made it happen. He knew Sylvain was going to take his examination soon, which Felix had faith he'd pass with flying colors. Especially now that he had seen just how much effort he was putting in. Who knew it'd take a war and a goal to get his ass in line but here he was.

Felix was... proud.

The momentary trail of thoughts caused him to miss his perfectly aimed blow, instead barely grazing the cotton of the redhead’s sweater. He had to focus.

Furrowing his brows he finally landed a hit, able to fake a lunge to make Sylvain misjudge where he'd land, and then changing direction sharply. Sylvain laughed breathlessly and Felix felt his heart thrum against his ribcage.

Damn his laugh.

The two went at it for a while. Blow after blow. Weapons clanging together, and breaths coming out in gasps. The sun had finally risen and the combo of the sun and the physical activity caused the two men to finally warm up. There was a clashing duel as the two waltzed back and forth until there was a _creeee----k_ and a snap of Sylvain's lance as it broke in two.

He threw back his head laughing, “Well, I knew my lance was getting rusty, but I didn't know it was that close to breaking.” The surprise from the lance caused the redhead to hit the ground in recoil where he decided to stay while catching his breath. “Glad it broke during a training session and not on the battlefield, huh?” He asked, still with mirth in his voice.

“You should count yourself fortunate,” Felix commented, reaching out his hand to pull Sylvain up when he finally caught his breath. “But you put up a good fight and from the looks of it, you've really been training hard so it doesn't surprise me that your lance would finally break. Seems you're about ready to start using silver.”

“As sharp and perceptive as ever.” Sylvain's eyes danced with glee. “Byleth said I should be ready any day now. I’m taking my exam next week.”

“I'd wish you luck, but I know you don't need it,” The swordsman commented. “Just don't let your ego get to you.”

Sylvain raised his brow, a sly smile dancing across his lips. “That sounds like a compliment coming from you. I'll take it.”

Felix just snorted in response and retreated to the weapon storage to place his sword back. “What are your plans for the rest of the day?” He asked, “I know nothing about magic but perhaps Hubert or Dorothea could help you study for your exam next week.”

“Actually, I was gonna take a ride on horseback, if you'd like to join?”

Felix nodded, “Alright.”

The two men made their way past the training grounds and over to the stables where all the horses, pegasi, and wyverns resided. Most of the mounts were starting to stir, soft whinnies and cries of acknowledgment as the duo showed their presence.

The second to last stall is where Sylvain's horse resided and the soft downy mare nickered and reached her neck out for Sylvain's affection, which he happily gave.

After feeding his horse some oats from his hand, he proposed Felix with a question, “Do you want to ride separately or together?”

“Considering I don’t have a horse of my own yet and the chances of me getting bucked off a horse I just met are pretty high, what do you think?”

Sylvain threw back his head laughing which caused Felix’s cheeks to tint ever so slightly. He swore he’d never get enough of his stupid, obnoxious laugh.

“Fair enough,” He began to suit the horse up while still talking to the swordsman. “Though I’d be happy to teach you how to ride.”

“I’ll take your offer up on that.”

The duo made their way across the stables, with Sylvain's horse in tow decked in a saddle and reins. The redhead took the lead until they made their way out of the stable area where they could safely mount the horse. Sylvain got up on the sterling silver mare first, giving her an encouraging pet to calm her as Felix climbed aboard.

Felix sat behind the redhead, positioning himself as comfortably as he could, hands gently placed upon Sylvain's shoulders. From this distance he could smell the soft wafting scent of the soap Sylvain used, akin to sage and lavender. It took everything in his willpower not to breathe in deeper than he should but the distance proved that impossible.

They began a slow trot until they made their way out of the confines of the monastery, and then Sylvain clucked his tongue, squeezing his thighs to make the mare snort softly as she quickened her pace. Felix had to grip Sylvain's waist as the speed increased, cursing himself inwardly at how close the contact caused him to be.

Sylvain's locks of hair would brush across his cheek, tickling the skin, and the soft aroma that was entirely Sylvain had him yearning to nestle in the crook of the man's neck. Soft, sweet, tender. Oh, if only.

They took a joyride through a forest, sparse with trees and moss. The scenery was breathtaking and Felix found himself glad he was experiencing this with Sylvain. The mist slowly dissipated as the sun rose higher in the sky, coating their backs with its warmth. I guess they didn't need their cloaks after all. Thankfully, Felix was smart enough to convince the two of them not to bring them.

Sylvain stopped them after a while at the foot of a hill, giving his horse a good pet before jumping off the saddle, reaching his hand out to indicate Felix to do the same. He gently crooned that they would be back, and then motioned for Felix to follow him as they ascended the rocky hill.

The climb made them breathless but the scenery above was worth the languor they endured to make it to the top. “Look---” Sylvain stopped to catch his breath. “It's beautiful.”

_The scenery? Or you?_

Felix took a moment to catch his breath before looking at the scene unfolded before his eyes. Sylvain framed in the mist while overlooking a huge lake with a cascading waterfall. The lake and waterfall were nestled within a stony overlook built upon by nature and man. The waterfall came down from a river above and from the looks of it there were enough crags in the side of stone-laden walls that made it climbable.

How tempting.

Sylvain whistled as he took in the view before him and trailed over to the ivy tendrils snaking their way alongside the stone precipice. Felix followed, admiring how nature could create a masterpiece hidden in the hollow of a forest. If only there was a way to capture such a moment in time – to preserve the memory on paper. Perhaps someday.

Sylvain glanced back at Felix with a devious grin dancing upon his white teeth. “Wanna see the waterfall up close?”

“Only if you want to catch your death by slipping and falling into the lake. No thanks.”

“Scared?” There was a cocky knowing look in his eyes as if he truly believed for one second Felix might be scared. As if.

Felix snorted, “Not in the slightest. I just don't want to risk slipping on the wet rock. It's not exactly an easy walk over to the waterfall. The rocks are wet if you haven’t noticed.”

“I'll hold your hand,” He teased. “will that make you feel better?”

Felix scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest in mock defiance. “That would only cause me to push you in.”

“C'mon Felix, if it's too unsafe we can come back. I want to see the waterfall up close.” He held his hand outstretched in invitation and the look on his face caused Felix to momentarily consider it.“What's life without a little risk?”

The look he was giving Felix put him over the edge and with a scowl he reached for his hand. “Fine,” He scoffed but the look on Sylvain's face was worth it. It was laced with honest happiness and Felix decided that was the look he liked most on the redhead.

“But if something happens and I fall in, I'm dragging you down with me.”

“Fine by me,” The warmth surrounding his palm as Sylvain laced his fingers with his, caused his body to flush, even more so when the redhead brushed his thumb against his skin. “I'll keep you safe. Trust me, Felix.”

Felix nodded mutely in response and the two men made their way over the slippery rocks, taking it step-by-step. It was a slow and steady pace as the rocks were slick with the spray from the waterfall but Sylvain never let go of his hand not even when he stumbled and almost slipped.

The closer they got to the waterfall, the closer they came to the stony overhang that jutted above the precipice, protecting it ever so slightly from being more damp than it already was. When they reached that overhang of rock, Felix felt Sylvain's grip on his slacken but he still didn't let go.

They slowly crept along the stony path, settling behind the waterfall as it fell in currents before them. It was breathtaking. Seeing the lake from this perspective made it all worth it, Felix decided.

_As well as getting the chance to hold Sylvain's hand._

Which reminded him that his fingers were still interlaced and as if on cue, Sylvain dropped his hand and gave him a crooked smile. His eyes were shining pools of amber dancing in the sunlight that shone brighter because of the reflection off the waterfall.

“See?” He winked and Felix hated how the action caused his heart to jump. “That was worth the risk getting over here. Sometimes life is worth taking risks, y'know? You'll never know unless you try.” Felix swallowed hard, the words nipping at his brain.

Sylvain was silent for a moment before laughing, “And besides, if we had fallen in at least we'd have a funny memory to look back on.”

He turned to face Felix and there was that look again. That look that made Sylvain seem like he wanted to kiss him. His eyes traced over the contours shadowing Felix's face, eyes landing on his lips, and then back up to his amber eyes. Felix felt his heart stop.

He wanted to kiss him, too. He averted his eyes, heartbeat quickening. He hated how easily Sylvain could cause his pulse to quicken as if he was in a heated training session. If only he knew. If only he had a clue. Felix absolutely hated it.

“Hey,” There it was; Sylvain's soft voice cutting through his consciousness. Tearing at the ivy that hid his heart in its depths. But Sylvain had carefully crafted a blade that was sharpened to be able to effortlessly handle the ivy. He knew just what to do and Felix had to grow more ivy to snake its way across his heart in tendrils. To protect it.

His eyes tore through him. Amber meeting pools of honey in a captivating collision. He glanced at his lips again, hand reaching out to settle upon Felix’s shoulder, the warmth lighting the appendage on fire. Flickering back to stare into his soul he opened his mouth in a question.

“Can I kiss you?”

There it was. A simple question. A simple act - something they both have done multiple times that Felix had lost track. He was sure Sylvain had as well. And yet here he was, asking with honest sincerity if he could kiss him again. _And again. And again._

_Forever if you wish._

The patient look upon Sylvain's face would have melted Felix's heart if he hadn’t carefully crafted this icy outward persona. Still, it stirred something inside him. He felt those butterflies threatening to come up his throat and spill out. He had to ground himself as he nodded.

The change in expression – patient poker face changing to a smile made of sunlight was enough to floor the man and when Sylvain gently tucked a stray strand that escaped from the dark-haired man's ponytail he almost slipped. Almost spilled the words, _I love you,_ threatening to wrap like a vice around his throat.

Sylvain gently grazed his thumb along Felix’s cheek, and then cupped his chin and pulled him close. Their lips met and Felix could have convinced himself that they've never kissed before by the way his pulse quickened as if this was the very first time. But Sylvain had that effect on him. Each time felt like the very first time.

He could feel a smile dance upon the redhead's lips as their kiss deepened, and Felix let his hands rest against the nape of the redhead's messy locks – the effortless style that he wore so well. He let his fingers intertwine in the wispy ends, causing Sylvain to softly gasp and break contact for a split second before diving back in.

The push and pull contact of their lips turned into a romantic tango as they explored one another as if they hadn’t done this 100 times already. Sylvain laughed breathlessly as he pulled away to gather air, resting his forehead upon Felix’s, soft eyelashes fluttering closed in bliss.

A wispy lash lay upon the redhead’s cheek so Felix reached out to gently run the pad of his thumb along the flesh to remove it. Sylvain let his eyes stay closed, only fluttering momentarily at the sensation of Felix’s touch. His lips were curved into a perpetual smile as if chiseled on his flesh in a permanent mark. A sculpture worthy of being put up on display in all its grandeur.

Felix swallowed hard, trying to push down the idea bubbling in his mind, threatening to take shape. Something about Sylvain made him soft. Almost vulnerable. Even when his anxiety and fear would hold him back.

And even with the action rendered null and void he still had the urge to lay a kiss upon his brow. So he leaned forward, pressing his lips softly to the man's crown before pulling away.

Sylvain’s eyelids fluttered open in surprise, a soft dazed look upon his eyes, and a slight upturn of his mouth. And then he was beaming, albeit sheepishly, but still beaming, as he ran a hand through his hair.

“That was...” He cleared his throat before looking at the waterfall, watching it cascade over their stony sanctuary. “Wow.”

Felix nodded, appreciating the scene before them, deciding it would be best not to say much more. He didn't want to ruin this. He didn't want to break the silence – his vow of silence to himself. Or else he might give Sylvain the key to his heart.

He felt Sylvain look at him through his peripheral vision before speaking. “Shall we head back?”

Felix nodded knowing Byleth had training sessions for her old students that afternoon and Sylvain would want to work on his magic as well. As much as he liked this moment of respite, all things had to come to an end eventually he reminded himself. _Including Sylvain._

Sylvain reached for Felix's hand again and the older of the two led them across the stones until they made it back to the lakeside where it all began, and then back to the monastery upon horseback in silence.

~

A week went by and Sylvain's exam was on the horizon that dawn just as soon as the sun set. The two men planned a rendezvous in celebration that night. A congratulatory feast in the dining hall with drinks. They chose not to meet up that day so Sylvain could focus all his efforts on studying with Dorothea and Hubert.

Felix knew Sylvain would pass with flying colors. He had no reason to worry. Still, Felix's mind flickered to him every now and then, giving his own little ounce of good vibes or whatever would help for the exam. Felix wasn't a religious person so it wasn't a prayer by any means. It was more of an intention, pushing it into the universe with the effort of his own magic – mental magic.

He walked through the halls of the monastery, making his way outside, on a mission to make it to the marketplace to repair his sword. He had happened upon some smithing stones after defeating a beast during a mission and Byleth gifted them to him to use towards repairing his Artifact which was on its last leg.

Heading over to the market, he almost ascended the steps when he saw the unmistakable flash of red hair glistening in the setting sun. _Sylvain._ There was no mistaking it. That was most definitely him. The cocky stance, hand on his hip, his laugh ringing through the air.

Felix quickly ascended the steps and slinked in the shadows of the vendors southwest of the market. Curiosity got the best of him. Wasn't he supposed to be training? Maybe he was finally buying a silver lance? Or perhaps he wanted to repair that old one that broke last week.

He pursed his lips and watched, thankful that stealth was one of his strong points. He hated feeling like he was spying on Sylvain of all things but curiosity killed the cat. However, Felix wasn't a cat so as far as he was concerned he was going to snoop.

Sylvain wouldn't be able to see him but Felix would easily see him in this position. He couldn't make out the words that we're being said, only the actions and gestures the redhead made and what he saw made his heart drop into his stomach.

Sylvain was laughing with a charming witty smile dancing upon his teeth. Felix took a deep breath as a burning bitter feeling settled in his stomach. The girl was giggling, showing him her wares, with a rosy blush dusted upon her cheeks. Sylvain had his hand on his hip, cocky, exhibiting typical Sylvain behaviour and it hurt. It hurt like hell.

Felix didn't want to believe that Sylvain was flirting with her but there was no use pretending it wasn’t happening. The deep-seated jealousy a pool in his stomach, rising up his throat as he watched him grab her hand and step closer to her. When he pulled away she rested her hand on his shoulder, rubbing it affectionately.

Felix felt like he was gonna be sick. His brain went into overdrive and his whirlwind of thoughts felt like they were going to unravel him at the seams. He _knew_ , he _knew_ this would happen _._ And yet...he was foolish enough to let this happen. Was foolish enough to fall for his best friend who'd never feel the same. Was foolish and stupid enough to think that maybe, just maybe, their sexual rendezvous meant more than just being friends-with-benefits. That the raw, intense looks Sylvain would give him, and the things he'd admit, the touches, the kisses, that they meant _something._ Anything. Who the hell was he trying to kid?

He clenched his fists and turned heel, not being able to bear the thought of watching any longer. He wasn't sure if this was considered a knife in the gut, or perhaps the back, but he just knew that it was spilling out his insides that would rot like a forgotten carcass on the ground.

Soon Sylvain would be whisked away to their old classroom to take an examination, and he'd pass with flying colors. He'd pretend everything was fine, hell, he'd probably act like nothing happened. Would act innocent, naive, and dumb because that's how he was. Sylvain could lie his way out of any situation.

But Felix knew. He saw what he saw, and that ruined everything. His emotions were a ticking time bomb, ready to detonate the moment he met with the man. The clock was counting down and Felix wasn't sure if he'd be able to get his own self away from the blast in time when it went off. Both him and Sylvain would be caught in the crossfire.

He went to the training grounds to unleash all his anger and hurt on a training dummy, no longer excited or eager for the prospect of seeing Sylvain. As far as he was concerned, Sylvain could fail that exam. Maybe it's what he deserved. Karma.

His hands shook as he swung, every hit feeling like he was just beating his own heart to death, but he kept at it because he had no other outlet and soon Sylvain would meet up with him in his dorm and he'd have no choice but to confront the feelings he's been hiding for so long.

_Lies for the liars and a self-esteem to match._

For the first time in his life, Felix felt weak. He hated how much this hurt.

~

Waiting for Sylvain felt like a ticking time bomb. He was on edge, clenching and unclenching his fists (and teeth), pacing the room, looking in the mirror trying to display a poker face. He was so _angry_ and he knew if he didn't calm down he might take his anger out on Sylvain and he didn't want to jump the gun.

Naively, he thought, perhaps there was an explanation. But any explanation Sylvain could give would just be a lie and yet he kept trying to convince himself otherwise.

The sun set and the moon rose high in the sky – a full moon, Felix's favourite. It filtered through the window, bathing him in its light and Felix tried to focus on that. Not on Sylvain. Not on him walking back to Felix’s old dorm with that stupid smile on his face, victory in tow. He didn’t want to imagine the look on Sylvain's face when he passed his exam or the things he might have said to that girl – fuck, that girl ---

A knock at the door startled him out of his spiraling thoughts and the very action was enough to steel his resolve so Sylvain could enter.

“Door's open—” His voice sounded sharper than he meant it to.

The door opened to reveal the redhead grinning from ear-to-ear with two glass bottles in hand and a piece of parchment – what Felix assumed to be his certificate, in tow.

Felix hated how happy he was. He hated how he could just pretend that the event at the vendor’s booth didn't happen. How he could lie to Felix as if it were the easiest thing in the world. Lie through his pretty little teeth.

“I passed.” He broke the silence and there was so much triumph and bliss to his voice as he showed Felix the certificate. “I'm a certified dark knight. And,” he showed off the bottles. “Byleth gave me these. Rum and wine. Perfect drinks to celebrate.”

“Want a shot?” He winked at Felix, already filling the one shot-glass up with rum. Felix nodded mutely, hoping that the alcohol would sate the anger bubbling through his veins. He threw back the shot – the burn, a welcome presence as it coated the back of his throat and warmed his stomach.

He took another, and Sylvain poured himself one as well. Sylvain decided to propose a toast, and the two clinked their glasses together but the ringing felt hollow and empty.

“Alright, that's probably enough shots for now.” Though Sylvain still threw another back with a wicked grin. God, Felix hated how much it caused his heart to ache. Emotions he'd barely felt for years – feeling them tenfold all because of the man in front of him.

“We can drink more once we get some dinner.”

That's right. Sylvain had asked their comrades to join him for dinner after passing his exam. Felix included. They were supposed to eat dinner. Felix felt that sickening bile rise in his throat. Maybe he should wait. Maybe he shouldn't say anything. Maybe he should tell him another day. He shouldn't ruin this. Sylvain deserved to celebrate.

_Did he?_ The alcohol in his system asked.

Felix wasn't sure.

He could just lie through his teeth like the pretty man standing before him. He could put on a face and cloak himself in lies, whispering sweet nothings against his brain. He could just pretend everything was okay. He could let Sylvain breathe life back into him. Taste him. Press himself up against Sylvain until their bones met in a delicious imprint upon his skin. He could let Sylvain make him forget, just one more time.

He felt Sylvain's thumb graze his chin, pulling him out of his spiraling thoughts. There was that soft look again. The one that Felix naively wished was for him and only him. Did he look at the shopkeeper that way? Did he breathe life into her with his touch and his smoldering stare?

Felix struggled to look away, captivated by that stare that he could feel piercing through his soul. The alcohol beginning to course through his system set his body aflame, and the tender statement spilling out of Sylvain's mouth had a vice hold on his heart.

“I really want to kiss you...”

One more kiss. Just one more. So maybe Felix could see if he could taste the lies nestled on the tip of Sylvain's tongue as they kissed on his deathbed.

Felix wasted no time smashing his mouth against his frantic, needy - a mess of teeth and tongue. He pressed up against the man as Sylvain snaked his deft fingers around the locks bound together with a hairband, his index finger slipping through and setting Felix's hair free in a curtain of rain. His hands wasted no time slipping through that waterfall, softly running his hand through the locks and causing Felix to gasp out.

There was a hint of a laugh spilling from the redhead's lips before diving back in a romantic tango of tongue. Here he was again, claiming him in a kiss. _If only,_ the sickening reminder flooded through his brain. _But you know it isn't true._

_It was never true from the start._

No matter how he wished for it so.

Felix wrapped his arms around the redhead, to anchor himself in the flood of lies as he rode out the storm. Just one more kiss; just one more night. Let himself ride this out until another day when he could finally tell him everything. But alcohol was a truth serum and the shots had finally hit his system and now he was finding it hard to contain the truth threatening to come up his throat.

The words that escaped from Sylvain's lips were enough to bring him back to reality, throwing him to the ground and causing him to wake up. His voice was breathy, hot air against Felix's lips, eyelashes fluttered closed and he murmured,

“You mean so much to me, Felix...”

The soft romantic confession was enough to slap him awake, causing his eyes to shoot open and for his fists that were rested upon Sylvain's chest push him away of their own accord.

Sylvain's eyes shot open from the contact and his brow knit in confusion as Felix put distance between them, swiping his thumb along his lips which were coated in the aftermath of Sylvain's sweet taste. He hated how the lack of contact felt like he was drowning. He felt empty.

“Felix---” Sylvain reached out to grasp his shoulder but Felix shook his head. “What's wrong?”

Felix felt like he was choking on broken glass, suffocating from the shards threatening to tear him apart. It was too much, too much. He couldn't breathe and Sylvain's scent was overwhelming him, and so was the confused, pathetic look upon his face. He fucking hated how much he cared. Hated how much he just wanted to come undone in his arms.

“I can't do this anymore.” Felix's voice was sharp, blunt, like the crack of a whip. “This has to stop---”

Sylvain looked like he was a pup that just got kicked. The confusion, the worry upon his honey gold eyes was almost enough for Felix to take back the words. Almost enough, but not quite enough. Never enough to continue this charade.

“Is it what I said?” Sylvain's voice was soft, much softer than Felix had ever heard and it took everything to not let the gentleness suck him in. “I know it's cheesy but I mean it---”

“This doesn't mean anything!” His voice was venomous, as vicious as he could muster even when he started to shake. “This never meant _anything_. And it never will.”

Felix felt like he was gonna be sick.

“What are you talking about?” Sylvain tried to ask, tried to intervene with more questions and a soft touch but Felix pushed him away.

“This!” Felix spat, jabbing his finger at Sylvain and then himself. “Us. It's a fucking joke. Having sex, kissing, and pretending we're in love behind closed doors like it's some kind of game. It never meant anything to you!”

“Felix---” That was all Sylvain was able to get out. Felix’s name like it was some kind of wanton prayer. A mantra. Felix. Felix. Felix. Anything to rein him in. Anything to make him weak.

“I can't do this anymore!” He started to shake just as the alcohol was finally starting to hit his system. “I can't go on lying to myself. I saw you, Sylvain! _”_ He jabbed his finger at Sylvain's chest, trying to focus on the burning rage and hurt coursing through his system.

“I saw you flirting with that shopkeeper earlier!”

The look of shock upon Sylvain's face was all Felix needed to know. His mouth agape, a scarlet hue flushing against his cheeks. So he was right. There was no way Sylvain could deny it – not with that shocked expression spilling so easily off his face.

He jumped the gun and tried to defend himself, but Felix wouldn't have it. There was no way his lies would save him now. His sweet-talking, his sugar-coated words, that he so effortlessly crafted to seize the hearts of all who came within walking distance. That wouldn't save him. Not this time.

And then the flashbacks came back. Sylvain flirting with his hand on his hip, his eyes probably dancing with mischief. The shopkeeper laughing at his sugary words, grabbing his hand – so intimate and soft. It tore Felix apart. The anger bubbled again, and he focused on that. Anger was so much better than sadness. Anger was fire, heat, and passion. He let it fuel him.

“Felix, it's not what you think, honest.”

His eyes bore into the man's, soft, almost puppy dog-like. But that wouldn't work on him. Felix almost laughed, at how stupid his lie was. He may have been a fool that believed Sylvain might have had some ounce of feeling for him, but he wasn't such a fool that he'd fall for that excuse.

All those feelings, all those emotions, he channeled them into rage. Focusing on every little thing he couldn’t stand about Sylvain. Hyper focused on his fake nature - his compulsive lying. Everything he hated. He focused on that because it was much easier to let go if he just pretended he hated him more than he loved him.

Then maybe he could let the man go.

It wasn’t like he ever had him from the start.

He held that resolve in his hand and pushed that button on the bomb, detonating everything in his wake.

“Bullshit. All you ever do is lie.” Felix seethed through gritted teeth. “Your whole fucking persona is a lie. You're such a damn fake!”

“And what would that make you?” Sylvain scoffed, eyes burning into Felix. “Your whole personality is a cardboard cutout of your late brother, Glenn. You're a completely different person than you were when you were younger, Felix.”

That hit a nerve and Felix felt a blinding rage consume him. He wasn't sure if it was the alcohol, or his anger, hurt, and heartache, but he found himself spilling the most venomous things he could ever say to the man he cared for the most.

“And you're just a fucking train-wreck.” Felix laughed, actually laughed, bitterly at the admittance. “Those men and women you flirt with? The ones you think you have wrapped around your little finger? Do you honestly think they give a shit about you?”

He watched Sylvain’s eyes shake and his mouth open to say something, but Felix wouldn’t let him.

“They only want you for your crest.” He swore he saw Sylvain’s world crumble before him. Felix felt like he was dying but the alcohol and the need to make Sylvain hate him, egged him on.

“That’s all you’re good for. A good time, a one-night stand, and finally they realize just how fake you really are. And then they leave if you aren't the one to do it first.”

_I really want you to hate me._

_SNAP!_ Sylvain’s hurt and agony turned to wrath in an instant and before Felix could comprehend what happened Sylvain had him slammed up against the wall, the press of his fingertips leaving bruises on his flesh.

He felt regret for a moment. Remorse. Almost wanted to take the words back. Almost wanted to break. But he couldn’t. He needed to make Sylvain hate him. It was the only way he could cut the cord before Sylvain used that to choke him to death like a noose around his neck.

“That’s what you really think of me?” Despite the rage building in his system and the grip he held on Felix, Sylvain’s voice was a ghost of a whisper. As if he couldn’t bear Felix to answer.

Felix didn’t answer. Just stared blankly into his eyes, neither denying nor affirming. But as far as Sylvain was concerned not denying was an answer. Just as Felix accepted the betrayal hours prior as his answer.

“Glad to know it’s true.” He laughed but there was no mirth to it, nothing but bitter poison. “Don’t know why I expected any less from you.”

And then his hands were entangled in the man’s hair, pulling him hard so that their lips met. There was no passion in the kiss, no love, no need. Just anger, and hate, and a cathartic release. Felix shoved his tongue inside the other man’s mouth to claim his place. So that Sylvain wouldn’t forget who Felix was.

Whenever Felix would accidentally gasp, Sylvain would use that opportunity to bite down hard; bruising his lips and at one point breaking the skin so the taste of copper fueled their senses. A fitting end to their love and hate.

They went on like that for a while, both taking so much more than they were giving. Rough, hot, needy kisses with hate laced within. When they both finally had enough. Sylvain gripped Felix’s hair, yanking backwards hard as he separated them, a trail of saliva the only thing that connected them. Sylvain severed that, too.

When Sylvain pulled away he wasted no time growling, “One last kiss before I go. So you don’t forget what I taste like.”

Felix wiped the back of his hand against his lips, the taste of blood, saliva, and Sylvain coating the skin. He shoved Sylvain off of him before they could come undone.

“Fuck you.”

“The feeling is mutual.” Sylvain spat in retort.

“You’re gonna die alone.”

The worst possible things he could say were what he let spill from his mouth. Anything to keep him away. Anything to let him go.

Even when his hands were shaking. Even when his heart was shattering like broken glass. Even when he wanted nothing more than to whisper for him to stay. _Stay. Stay._

He watched Sylvain turn away. Watched him walk across the blue rug that donned their old house colors. Watched him pause expecting him to give one last bitter retort but he didn’t. Instead, he said one simple phrase as he left.

“Goodbye, Felix.”

And then he left.

_I hope you feel what I felt_

_When you shattered my soul_

_'Cause you were cruel and I'm a fool_

_So please let me go_

Felix Hugo Fraldarius dropped to his knees and cried.


	2. We buy jewelry when the love runs out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit, henloooooo. This update was long overdue. I apologize for the wait, but quarantine and executive dysfunction hell had me in a chokehold. God, my writing feels so mediocre and shit lately, so this is un beta'd bc I'm tired of looking at ittttttt but I need to get over my nitpicky perfectionist tendencies, so this was edited by me and uploaded without a second glance. :'D 
> 
> No beta, we die like Glenn!!!

**Amaryllis**

Part 2

Weeks passed by in a blur. Felix went out of his way to avoid Sylvain, only interacting with him when he had to - nothing more, nothing less.. He made sure to avoid Sylvain in the dining hall, heading to eat earlier or later than normal just so he wouldn't have to see him. Sylvain did the same. It was a mutual agreement that neither one of them voiced aloud.

Some of their comrades started taking notice of the subtle ways the two men avoided each other. At first, Byleth assumed Felix was just being Felix – curt, brash, and standoffish like always. But then they noticed how the two were barely conversing, and never giving eye contact. Byleth reached out – asked if something was up, but didn't want to pry. Felix said they needed space from each other, and left it at that. Byleth didn't probe.

But then others started giving curious glances or worried looks. Felix couldn't be bothered to explain. It was no one's business but his and Sylvain’s. What was done is done. Bury the hatchet. Forget.

Gods, he wished it were that easy.

He headed to the dining hall bright and early just as the sun was rising and warming the monastery in it's beaming rays. Autumn was full swing now so Felix donned a coat – not his usual one worn to battle but a small more snug-fitting one.

Shoving his hands in his pocket he made his way across the grounds, leaves, and frost crunching with each step. His breath was a foggy ghost against the atmosphere and he was grateful when he was able to slip inside to the warmth of the hall. He wasn't sure if he'd ever get used to the cold.

There was no one in the dining hall besides a few late-night owls or hellishly early risers. A few knights, the cooks, and a couple of students – Dorothea, and Caspar, Felix noted. Good. He needed peace and quiet to stop the whirlwind of thoughts that nipped at his frontal lobe.

Making his way over to the cooks he ordered his food and was grateful when they filled it completely to the brim with eggs, bacon, sausage, and toast. Grabbing a glass of orange juice he sat down at the end of one table. The beginning rays framing his view in the slightest hint of light.

He heard footsteps make their way over to his table and his face automatically sported a scowl, ready to tell whoever it was, to get the hell away. He wanted to eat in peace, however much of that he could get with the static in his brain.

Brown curly locks tickled his cheek as the morning offender leaned down to look at him.

“What do you want?”

“My, my. You really aren't a morning person are you, Felix?” Dorothea's bright laugh rang through the hall, a small smirk settled upon her lips.

“Not particularly, no. But I don't mind getting up if it means I can eat and train in peace.”

“And I guess I’m not helping your need for peace, huh?” She teased.

“If I wanted to play 20 questions while eating breakfast I'd have sat with Caspar.”

“Alright, alright.” But despite his gruff tone, she didn't take any offense to it. She was used to it, as was anyone really. Felix was just Felix. “Do you mind if I sit with you at least? I promise I'll eat quietly so as to not disturb Felix hours.”

“Suit yourself.” He grunted, getting back to his meal, as she sat down with her own plate of pancakes, toast, and eggs.

As she promised, their respective meals were quiet and pensive. They didn't speak to each other, instead just relishing in the company of one another in silence. Felix was grateful that there were some of his teammates who didn't mind being together while doing their own thing. Felix supposed it was just an introvert thing, and thankfully, most of the Black Eagles were more reserved aside from a few.

Felix was almost done with his meal when the dining hall doors burst open and a burst of obnoxious laughter filled the hall. If Caspar wasn't already eating breakfast a few seats down, Felix might have assumed it to be him and wouldn't have thought much of it.

But then the laughter got louder and Felix knew exactly who it was. No mistaking that ear-grating laugh from the world's biggest dumbass.

The last person expected to see. The last person he  _ wanted _ to see.

_ You have got to be fucking kidding me. _

There he was. Sylvain Jose Guatier. In all his glory, laughing like it was 2 o'clock in the afternoon and not 6 am. His hair was tousled, clothes wrinkled, and he was laughing so hard he was stumbling. The sight unfolding before the swordmaster’s eyes made him sick.

Sylvain noticed Felix at the table and made his way over as if they were buddies again and everything was sunshine and rainbows. Felix wanted to dissipate on the spot.

But the thing close to his side made Felix feel like the wind got knocked out of him. Precious oxygen flooding from his veins and depriving him of the very thing he needed most right now. There was a man by Sylvain's side. He mustered a look of hatred and spite, hoping that maybe Sylvain was just coming over to say hi to Dorothea, but when he stopped in front of their table, his eyes were glued to Felix.

“Heyo, Felix,” His voice was slightly slurred, and his mouth seemed to permanently be etched in the crooked grin he wore so well. Alcohol radiated from his pores and that was all Felix’s senses could smell. He felt like he was drowning in the scent of Sylvain but it wasn't him – it was something so foreign, so unfamiliar. He felt like the man he knew before was lost. Gone. And he didn't know where he was.

Felix almost thanked the goddess herself, for having a lapse in judgment and letting Dorothea sit with him because she wasn't afraid to call Sylvain out on his bullshit.

“It's the crack of dawn and you're already drinking? You reek.” Her tongue was sharp as her eyes narrowed and she upturned her nose at the redhead.

Sylvain ran a hand through his tousled hair, grinning sheepishly, pausing as if trying to formulate a sentence. He was drunk off his ass and his pupils were unfocused, glassy. “Actually, we’re hungover. Aaaand, we didn't go to sleep just yet. Been drinking for the past couple of hours. Got hungry.”

“Clearly.” Dorothea rolled her eyes at the excuse and then broke the tension about the elephant in the room, “Who's your friend?”

Felix held his breath. His mind flooded with a bunch of different scenarios, but deep down he knew exactly what was going on. There was no use pretending otherwise. His heart constricted when Sylvain ushered the man forward with that wicked grin. “This is my new boyfriend. Met him at a pub a few weeks ago.”

Felix felt the resolve he'd been trying to slowly hold together, start to crack. Not enough to break just yet but enough to splinter and fray. He had to keep it together before anything spilled out.

Felix wasn't surprised, honestly. He half expected this. Expected Sylvain to go find someone else because that's what he does. Flits from person-to-person, never settling down, never committing. And breaking their hearts before he breaks his.

Felix expected him to find a new toy to play with. Sylvain was the definition of insatiable. If it were up to him, he’d call upon anyone who’d bed him after his newest “heartbreak”. Anything to take away the pain. If this were someone else, Felix wouldn’t care. But this was his heartbreak and nothing prepared him for the hell that would follow suit; a disastrous carnage that put him six feet under.

Felix felt Dorothea's eyes on him, saw her brow furrowed in an expression at Sylvain's admittance. Worry? Pity? Felix couldn't tell. All he could focus on was Sylvain. Sylvain's eyes looking anywhere but him. Sylvain's fingers touching the man's shoulder. Sylvain's eyes flitting to look at him through his drunken stupor, licking his lips. Sylvain's pores reeking of a night of alcohol and sex.

In fact, Felix was 100% sure they probably fucked before they came here considering the condition of Sylvain's hair and his clothes – perpetual wrinkles. The thought made him sick, the breakfast he had prior threatening to come up.

The man, Sylvain's new boy toy, held up his hand in a wave of introduction. Felix didn't even hear his name. Didn't hear anything but the static of his brain and the sickening reminder that this was Sylvain's rebound. The very thing Sylvain burrowed into the crook of while they came together; the very person he got off to. Maybe he even cried his name.

He had dark hair, sharp features reminiscent of Felix himself.  _ My replacement.  _ He thought. He wondered if Sylvain sought him out in specific, or if he even realized it.

Sylvain's voice broke his train of thoughts with a clear of his throat, “Well, we're extremely hungry. Alcohol works up an appetite you know?” He chuckled, eyes shimmering with mirth. “And other things. But that's not breakfast talk.”

“Sylvain----” Dorothea glared. “Please, some people are eating.”

Felix's appetite went right out the window. So they were fucking. Not that Felix expected any less but it tore his insides to think of how easily Sylvain could replace others. Just a notch in his bedpost. He probably lost track of his body count.

Not that it was any of Felix's business anymore.

“I'm done now.” Felix stood up, grabbing his plate, grunting in response, not even bothering with pleasantries anymore. As far he was concerned, he didn't care. “I've got things to do.”

“Training?” Sylvain prompted, and it felt like everything went silent.

Felix didn't answer. He wasn't sure where he was going but anything was better than here. He needed to leave or he might say things he might regret. Might cause a scene. Might break down.

He lied through his teeth, more bite to his voice than he meant to. “What do you think?”

He watched Dorothea stand to leave as well. She brushed her dress free of any crumbs, and grabbed her plate to drop off at the dish pickup bin. “As much as I'd like to stay and chat, I've got other important things to do today. Byleth wanted Edelgard and I to join in choir practice this morning. You know I love to help but alas, duty calls.”

Felix wondered if Dorothea was making up an excuse to leave as well. Whatever it was, Sylvain didn't seem to mind, giving her a wave.

“Alright, see ya around then.”

Sylvain’s eyes wouldn’t meet Felix’s and Felix acted like he wasn’t even there as he walked out the door with Dorothea side-by-side following his footsteps.

Felix could tell she wanted to intervene. Wanted to ask what was going on. When she and Felix were ready to part ways she opened her mouth to say something but then closed it, muling on her words. Dorothea wasn't naive by any means, Felix knew she had an idea what was going on. But she also wasn't one to pry, instead just lending advice and support when given the chance.

And just like that, she gives him a warm look, radiating support. “If you need a friend, Felix. You know where I am.”

Felix grunted in response.

He didn't feel like explaining. Didn't owe anyone an explanation, after all, this was his and Sylvain's problem. And yet... He almost yearned to lean on someone and Dorothea seemed like the best possible person considering she had her woes when it came to heartbreak.

He watched her turn away and head to the cathedral. Maybe one day Felix could confide in her but today was not the day.

~

**Sylvain's POV**

Sylvain awoke with hangovers often. He drank too much when no one was looking, mainly well into the night or early morning so that he could safely consume as much as he wanted without watchful eyes. He knew he'd be scrutinized otherwise.

The alcohol took the edge off. Helped him forget. Helped him stop missing Felix. It's not as if he gave a damn; he made that quite clear. Bottles littered the ground around his room like discarded fragments; all telling a story.

Maybe he was a train wreck. Maybe he would die alone.

Sylvain always thought he deserved to burn in hell. No redemption or reconciliation. He took another swig, throwing back his head with fever.. His  _ lover _ would be arriving later this evening, it'd be best to sober up before that, though he knew that would just be drinking anyways. They both drank to forget their problems, their lives, and the war. But he’d never be able to forget Felix.

He thought if he got another lover; someone to give his life structure, he could therefore leave Felix behind. He could cope with being alone without him. His best friend. The person he cared for the most. Slipping through his hands like sand.

He liked to put the blame on Felix. Like to replay the hurtful words he spewed during their heated session of agony. The screaming, the fists beating against his chest until he felt like he couldn't breathe. If he replayed those scenes over and over again he could learn to hate Felix. Learn to distance himself.

Gods, if only it were that easy.

But Felix took his sword and shoved it into Sylvain's breast, uprooting his heart, and insides, letting him bleed out on the floor. His rotting corpse wouldn't be hidden to the truth after all. No matter what he told himself.

Felix  _ was _ right. Sylvain was terrified of being used for his status, crest, and nobility. Deep down, despite the flirty facade, the redhead would put on, he was terrified of anyone getting close.  _ Even Felix...  _ And so Sylvain would dump others before they'd get the chance to do it to him.

He wouldn't commit. He wouldn't stay. Because he was terrified of what that could mean. Felix uprooted that insecurity from his heart and waved it like a flag on display.

Maybe that's why this was so hard and why he couldn't let his anger go. Because despite his cruel words, maybe Felix was right. Maybe that's all he was good for. His crest.

He reached blindly under his bed for another bottle of alcohol to sate his mind. It was the only thing that helped aside from the numerous lovers he kissed when no one was looking. But even then it was just that. A temporary fix.

His hands glided under the floorboards coated with dust, and instead, they protruded a small bracelet, wrapped in a twin colored cord – blue and black, with an assortment of charms.

_ Memories are just where you laid them. _

Sylvain felt like the breath was knocked out of him. Deprived of oxygen, like a swift kick to the gut. Memories came flooding back; the senses, the taste, the smell... He felt them escape from the recesses of his mind, clawing to the surface with vigor.

Him, Dimitri, and Felix being gifted bracelets made by Ingrid. Soft hemp cords strung by her dainty little hands at the age of 7. Strung together and then dyed all of her friends' favourite colors.

Sylvain and Felix asked for matching ones. The same color strung on the thread. Adorned with charms that she gathered over her visits to various towns.

Some of the charms were ones that the boys had found themselves. A sword and a lance, given to each other when they made that promise to die together all those years ago. Full of sincerity, baby faces, rosy cheeks, and pinky promises.

One that they both still recalled to this day. One that was brought up so frequently. One that, looking back on it, seemed akin to a marriage proposal. Naive and innocent uttered from baby lips.

Sylvain still staked his life on that promise. If his best friend asked he would have put himself beside Felix for the rest of his life.

He didn't realize he was crying until he saw tears hit the ground, and the edges of his vision became blurred. He choked on a sob, the alcohol he consumed prior, making his head spin, and his body sway. He clenched that charm bracelet to his chest like an anchor to steady himself as he wept.

He hated himself so much. He hated himself so much for not telling Felix how he truly felt. For lying and for faking his way through life so that no one would ever believe a damn word he said. He royally fucked up his life and he was in too deep to get out.

Ingrid used to say that you couldn't love someone else if you didn't love yourself. Sylvain knew that to be full of shit. He hated himself more than anything in the world and he didn't know what self-love was. But Felix? Oh god, did he love Felix. He’d get on his knees and profess his love in front of the goddess and let her pass judgment on him. If that wasn’t love, then damn, he didn’t know what love was.

But it was love, and it was the rawest emotion he’d ever felt in his life.

Heart-wrenching sobs broke him now and he heaved with much effort to breathe. He hyperventilated with sobs as images and memories overcame him. Mainly of Felix, always of Felix. And god did he wish he could go to him and beg for forgiveness – the kind that he didn't deserve. He yearned to tell him everything, but it was too late now. Felix was done with him, and he was done with Felix.

It was over.

He shuddered, trying to force his brain to forget. Wishing so badly to get amnesia. What a blessing in disguise that would be. He'd take it with grace. He wanted to forget more than anything in the world.

He heaved with effort, onto his hands and knees, and threw the charm bracelet clear across the room. Grabbing an almost empty bottle of spirits, he popped the cap off, throwing his head back and downing the rest. The alcohol burned his throat and his heart, and he focused on that.

Focused on the fire eating away at him. Focused that energy and fed it into hate. Focused on Felix and let that rage consume him. He screamed, choking on a sob at the end as he smashed the bottle onto the ground. The glass shattering upon impact and flying everywhere to add to the other remains dotting the floor.

He sat there for a while, just staring blankly at the wall, knees to his chest, as the tears that stained his cheeks started drying. The sun framed his face and he let the essence of time consume him. He wasn't sure how much time had passed, only that it was enough for the alcohol to numb him; temporarily again, so that he didn't feel anything.

He heard a noise. A rapt at the door. Thought maybe he was losing it. Thought maybe it was just a student wandering by, making their leave. But then it happened again. A soft, rap of knuckles on the wooden frame.

If it was Felix he was going to have to put on muster all the hate in his heart so that he could tell him to fuck off. But then again, the two went out of their way to avoid one another. Aside from the few times where Sylvain would make sure Felix saw him with his newest lover if only to rub salt in the wound.

So it couldn't be him. Sylvain ruled Edelgard out – she was too busy planning for the finale of the war, so close to their fingertips. Perhaps Byleth? They did seem concerned and went out of their way to ask if anything was amiss, which Sylvain dismissed with a wave of his hand.

Of course, everything was fine. Of course, he was happy.

After all, he wanted this.

Sylvain half hoped by some miracle it was Bernie. Maybe she'd give him a preview to her story she'd been crafting. Perhaps she finished a new chapter in her story and Sylvain could hyper-focus on the happy ending she'd give her characters – the one he could never have.

But it wasn't her. It was the last person Sylvain expected to see.

Soft flowing brown locks and emerald green eyes greeted Sylvain. Dorothea. His eyes met hers but he was seeing right through her, barely catching the concerned expression sculpted on her face. Her lips were pursed and he could tell she was evaluating him.

In the state he was in right now, he knew he must look rough. Sunken bloodshot eyes, tear-stained cheeks, broken bottles all around his feet. He had to be a sight for sore eyes.

Dorothea let herself inside, shutting the door as if to protect him from the view of any other student that may wander by. How kind. She made her way over to him and stood looking down on him. Sylvain could barely lift his head to look at her.

“Your room's a mess.” She commented, glancing around at the broken bottles, and alcohol littering the space. “And so are you.” She pursed her lips as if she wanted to say something more, but instead waited for Sylvain to say something.

But what was there to say? I fucked up and now I'm regretting it? I'm fucked up. Point blank. He almost wanted to laugh and say something sarcastic, but he was so fucking tired. So tired.

He thought about lying; thought about weaving an intricate story. He was the best at that. Not that Dorothea would buy it. She was far too perceptive. Too smart. She knew how Sylvain worked and she'd see right through his pretty little lies. So he just decided to state a simple admittance. Enough, but no detail.

“Rough night.”

“Clearly,” There was worry etched in her eyes as he rosy lips pursed yet again. “Girl trouble?” But then she stopped short. “Or should I say boy trouble?”

If he hadn't known any better he'd say Dorothea had an inkling of what was going on. Sylvain just decided to play into it. After all, if she asked, he could easily pass it off that he was talking about his newest lover. The one he introduced her to.

“You could say that.” He was looking at her now; really looking at her. Trying to figure out how much to give. How much to show. He wasn't one to show vulnerability or weakness regularly but the two had bonded previously over their heartbreaks and life woes. Dorothea even knew his fear of being used when it came to love, and his with her. If there was anyone he could confide in, aside from Felix, it would be her.

She sat on the chair at his desk, facing his drunken mess sitting on the floor. Her hands folded neatly over her lap like she was a therapist. “Do you want to talk about it?”

_ Yeah, kinda.  _ He wanted to admit. He toyed with the idea, but then reminded himself that as far as she knew, he was talking about his new lover. She had no idea about Felix.

So he was safe. He decided to let her in. Not fully, but just enough. Just enough.

He nodded and then asked her a question, “How do you surrender yourself to love?”

There was a flash of empathy radiating from Dorothea at that statement. She glanced out the window in contemplation as she mulled over her words.

“Skirt chaser Sylvain asking how to surrender himself to love.” But there was no bite or teasing to her remark. For she knew his fears, and he hers, and so she continued with a gentleness that Sylvain never got to see much. “It sounds easy in retrospect, but it's not. There's... a lot of complications.”

He knew that damn well. Better than anybody.

She ran a hand through her hair as she composed her thoughts and then continued, “Love is...well, downright terrifying. Surrendering yourself to love is essentially giving yourself up to another person, flaws, vulnerabilities, and all. It's not easy. If it were easy... Well, then I suppose we wouldn't have situations like this, would we?”

Sylvain guessed not.

“It's like gifting someone a sword that you'd hope they'd use to protect you with, and praying they don't stab you in the back.”

Dorothea continued, “It's showing all your vulnerabilities, all your insecurities, and all the things you hate about yourself in the name of facing them together. Side-by-side. It's not easy. To surrender yourself to love, you have to let these things go. You have to trust that they won't betray you.” She got quiet for a moment. “And gods know, I'm still working on that. I, too, wish to surrender myself to love, but I keep holding myself back.”

The room got quiet, and Sylvain felt a wave of agony rush over him. Hers and his. How more alike than they realized. As least when it came to loving someone and being afraid to face that feeling.

She was pensive for a moment, before finally answering his question. “I think...surrendering yourself to love is having the courage to face whatever may happen. Come what may. It might fail; it might not work out. Things could end bad, but sometimes that isn't always your fault.” Glancing at the sun she smiled, as the rays filtered through the room. “But on the positive side, it  _ could _ work out. And I think that's a chance worth taking. Surrendering yourself to love is just being able to take that risk.”

Sylvain let it all soak in. Absorbed everything she was saying. Deep down he knew it made sense. But could he ever forgive himself? Was it too late? He steeled himself.

Letting out a deep breath he whispered, “What if it's too late?”

He faced Dorothea. Really faced her, unwavering, deciding to push his vulnerability even further. With everything she disclosed to him, there was no reason he couldn't tell her what was on his mind. She, of all people, wouldn't judge him.

She thought for a moment before replying. “It's never too late.” She played with her hands in her lap. “At least, I think so. Even if you fuck up, you can always have your redemption arc.”

He hoped so but the nagging anxiety kept picking apart his brain. His voice was small, so small, Dorothea had strained to hear it.

“What if he never forgives me?”

It was at that moment where he was 100% sure Dorothea knew he wasn't talking about his new lover. And she knew he knew.

“He will.”

He sat there with the hope blooming in his chest. Growing and blossoming into a full flower after so long. He swallowed hard, glancing at the songstress. She looked back at him and gave a nod of encouragement.

“You both need to communicate how you feel, though. You can't keep holding each other accountable for the things neither one of you expresses. You're not mind readers. You have to let each other in even if it's hard.”

Sylvain nodded mutely and they sat in silence for a while. The redhead wishing more than anything to find Felix and do just that. But it wasn't the time, nor the place. He had to stew on things, really wrap his head around his feelings. Sober up. Face the day with courage and hope. He had time.

He had time.

The two sat relishing in the company of one another. Not speaking, just mulling over the words that were spilled and the thoughts that have come to light. Sylvain was grateful. Grateful for Dorothea to take the initiative to talk to him, but still being mindful of distance and prying. She told him things he was too afraid to hear but now he could bear them with more ease than before.

Eventually, Sylvain broke the silence.

“I think...” He traced circles on the blue rug beneath him. “I'm gonna let Felix in. I think... I'm gonna tell him everything. And....” He clenched his fists. “Apologize and own up to my mistakes, and try not to beat myself up too much.”

“That's the best you can do.” She smiled, getting up to pace to where he sat, hands-on hips. “Though best if you sober up and stop binge-drinking. And you might want to cut ties with your new  _ lover _ .”

“Did you know?” Sylvain asked. “About Felix and I?”

“I knew something's been going on between you, too. And then when I saw what happened in the dining hall I knew you two must have gotten in a fight. I didn't want to pry, though.” She laughed softly. “And for the record, rebounds never work. Trust me.”

“I figured that out. I'm glad you pried, though.” Sylvain admitted, with the first hint of a real smile on his face in weeks. “If you hadn't I might not have gotten my head out of my ass. I've been such an asshole to Felix...”

“It's my pleasure.” She bowed, her long hair tickling his face as she leaned down to get a good look at him. “It's my job to pull idiots out of their asses around here it seems.”

Sylvain's eyes glowed in the sunlight – warm and golden brown, like his heart. “Thank you, Dorothea. Seriously.” His gratitude was genuine, pouring from his opened heart. “This means a lot to me.”

She pulled his body in for a warm hug, enveloping her arms around him, resting her head on his shoulder. She felt like sunlight; warm and radiate, just like the golden beams filtering through the windows. They held each other, just nestling into the comfort of one another, and Sylvain decided to spill his heart one last time.

“Let's surrender ourselves to love for the ones we hold affections for.”

Dorothea chuckled as she pulled away. “Let's not hold back for them anymore. You better tell Felix how you feel.”

“Only if you tell her how you feel.”

“I promise.”

Another vow, another promise. Sylvain swore to be brave.

~

Smoke filled Felix's senses as he slashed another body, watching it drop to the floor like a rag doll before rushing into the smog. He could barely see 10 feet in front of him and the smoke was burning his lungs and his eyes. This was the final battle and the blood pumping through his veins was fueled on adrenaline and fear.

The Black Eagles had prepared for this battle to be the worst but Felix didn't expect it to be this bad. Rhea set fire to the place and the smoke made it hard to see without soot and ashes coating their every limb. Edelgard and Byleth booked it to the front lines, intent on ending Rhea before casualties could happen.

The rest of the team spread out, often in pairs to take out the demonic beats or soldiers on the enemy lines. Most got separated once the fires broke out and Felix was starting to fear the worst. He hadn’t seen anyone in a while aside from the enemies he laid to rest.

Where were his comrades? Where was Sylvain?

He clenched his fists and continued searching, trying not to let his mind consume him. Tried not to think about his comrades bleeding out on the ground. Tried not to imagine them begging for their life.

Sylvain, and god, Sylvain.  _ Please let him be okay. _ Felix felt his heart quicken every time he thought about the redhead and he tried not to imagine him lying in a pool of his own blood. Felix couldn't bear the thought. He'd never get his reconciliation. He'd never be able to tell him how he felt. Could he bear that cross?

Felix didn't think he would. They made the promise to die together. And even when Sylvain betrayed him, even when he stabbed him in the back, gutted out his heart, and hurt him more than he'd ever show, he couldn't bear to live without him.

When they made that promise, they took that vow. If Sylvain died, so would Felix. Cross his heart and hope to die.

But what Felix wanted more than anything in the world was to live with Sylvain by his side. Until death do them part.

He ran through the smoke, eyes catching a shadow in the distance. He kept low, light on his heels. While he hoped it was one of their comrades; wished more than anything that it were so, it could also be an ambush. He had to be careful.

The figure ran towards him, and he breathed a sigh of relief when he saw it was Lysithea. Though her hair was matted and her clothes were bloodstained, she looked none-the-worse-for-wear. Felix thanked whatever gods were out there for protecting the youngest of their team.

“Felix!” She panted, running over to him while attempting to catch her breath.

Felix guarded her, constantly looking around to make sure no one else was nearby before the words fell from his mouth, “Have you seen Sylvain?”

Lysithea's pink eyes widened in worry, and Felix felt his heart drop to his stomach. She shook her head, eyebrows etched in a furrow. “No, I thought he was with you!”

Felix tried to calm the rising panic racing through his veins. He swallowed hard, “No, I haven't seen him since the start of the battle. I'm on the lookout for him, though.”

She nodded, her eyes laced with determination. She was on the lookout too it seemed. Perhaps for his sake. “I'll keep my eyes peeled and I'll send him your way.” She quickly cast a small healing spell over Felix before turning her heels south of their direction.

“I gotta see if anyone else needs healing or an ass-kicking. Whatever comes first.” Felix almost laughed, if their situation wasn't so dire. She turned to glance at him one last time, her eyes holding the world. “Don't do anything rash, Felix. Sylvain can take care of himself. He'll be alright. I promise.”

Felix let her hope and faith sustain him as she ran through the smog. He continued his look for the redhead, keeping a quick pace as he stepped over charred ground and fallen debris. The smog was thinner the closer he got to the center of the city which was both blessing and curse, for the smog gifted him with cover, but also inhibited him as well.

He found himself praying to gods that might not exist for the chance to see Sylvain again. And whatever god decided to take pity on him decided to do just that.

He thought perhaps he was losing it, that it was just a trick of the light, or of the smoke messing with his senses, but there was the redhead in all his glory, riding upon his horse in a slow gait. He felt like his heart might beat out his chest.

“Sylvain!”

Felix's voice ran out through the air and Sylvain turned around, the look of relief, and something Felix couldn't quite catch making his heart pound. That look. That look. Felix thought he could drown in it.

_ I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry. _ He wished to scream. He yearned to take their fight back. Take back everything and just start over. Let him in.

Sylvain jumped off his horse and rushed to Felix's side. The redhead was breathless, eyes shaking as he gripped Felix as if to steel them both. He ran his hands up and down Felix's arms as if he couldn’t believe it was him in the flesh. There's a look of relief and strong emotion behind his honey brown eyes. Felix let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding.

“I've been looking for you---” Sylvain murmurs in a rush. “I know you can handle yourself but I – gods, Felix I got so scared. Scared that I might lose you.” Felix nodded mutely, swallowing thickly trying not to let his emotions get the best of him but it was Sylvain and he was okay. He was by Felix's side. And once the war is over they could mend, they could heal – they could have their reconciliation.

They had time.

“I can't be beat that easily,” Felix scoffed, arms over his chest, but Sylvain paid him no mind, pulling him in for a tight hug. Felix felt all the emotions he was holding back, flood into the warmth that he and Sylvain created. It felt like sunshine in the bleak darkness. If they weren't in such a dire situation, he might have melted under the touch and stayed there forever.

But knowing how dire their circumstances the hug didn't last long and Sylvain pulled away. Now wasn't the time or the place. But there were unspoken words between the two best friends; and there were those unresolved feelings in the air. So much they both wanted, and needed, to spill. 

“Byleth and Edelgard are at the front lines with Hubert at their side,” Sylvain updated him, while his eyes flittered around, unconsciously checking for trouble. Felix found himself doing the same. “Soon this war will be over and we'll be free. But we've got to keep moving. Let's---”

And then suddenly everything happened too quickly. Felix felt a shadow fall over him, a vision swim across his peripherals, and then Sylvain was pivoting their positions, his back to Felix, wrapping him protectively in his arms.

Blood poured from his mouth.

In an instant, Felix felt like his world just ended.

Behind him was an archer, brutish smile stained yellow with bloodlust in his eyes. He laughed, actually threw back his head in a cackle, as he watched the redhead crumple to the ground. Felix felt rage engulf him.

“You son of a bitch----” He spat, sword raised to strike, when the enemy choked on his own blood laughing and then fell to the ground in a heap.

Felix looked up to see Bernie with her bow in hand and another arrow ready to let fly. When the man didn't move, she lowered her bow and her eyes widened in fear. “Felix---”

“Please get help---” Felix could barely choke the words out. “Get Dorothea, please, I'm begging you!”

She choked on a small sob as she left, running to find their healer and mage, her lithe form going as fast as it possibly could.

Felix dropped to his knees and cradled Sylvain in his arms. Blood seeped from his mouth, and Felix took his index finger and wiped away the trickle. He shook with so much emotion and pain, feeling like he was going to be sick. The swordmaster took Sylvain's hand, intertwining his fingers with his.

“You stupid----” He felt tears prickle his eyes, threatening to fall. “Why'd you have to protect me? WHY? --- Son of a bitch.”

Sylvain's lips curved in a small smile, and there was so much warmth in his gaze, Felix felt like his insides were lit aflame.

“I already told you, Felix,” He cupped his cheek with his soot-stained hand. “Because you mean so much to me...”

Felix's head was swarming – the static noise deafening his senses. The only thing he could see, hear, smell, taste, was Sylvain. This couldn't be it. This couldn't be the end. He swore it.

Sylvain continued, coughing up blood as he tried to chuckle, “I know I should have told you sooner... I should have been honest with you from the start but I was scared. What a coward, huh? But it’s true. You terrify me, Felix. You’ve become my world and I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

_ And you're my world. _

_ “ _ Remember that promise we made when we were kids? About how we'd die together?”

“I remember.”

The tears started to fall.

“It...looks like...” His thumb caressed Felix's cheek. “I'm gonna have to break that promise. I'm sorry.”

_ The hell you are!  _ Felix wanted to scream.  _ If you die, I die with you. _

He swore it on his brother's grave.

Sylvain's hand felt like lead in Felix's grip. His eyes were glossy from pain; the warm glow slowly leaving, like the setting sun, Felix's sun. Setting, only to never rise again. He wouldn't allow it.

_ Don't you dare close your eyes!  _ Felix wanted to sob. Sylvain was stronger than this. He squeezed the redhead’s hand harder as if the action would breathe some life back into the man and help him hold on.

Felix found himself clinging to the hope that blossomed in his chest. He held it close; he wouldn't let it go. But still, he felt that painful lump in his throat, felt the tremors in his hands, felt the weight of death looming in the air staring him down, whispering,  _ let me take one more thing from you. _

He couldn't do this anymore. His body started shaking, and the edges of his world started blurring as he collapsed in on himself. First his brother, Glenn, then his dad, Rodrigue, and now Sylvain. How many more people would this cruel world take from him?

Tears started to fall and he watched as Sylvain's soft smile, the one he sported for Felix so he wouldn't worry, turned into a frown. “Hey, hey...” And there it was. That soft voice, the honeysuckle brown eyes, pulling him back in, anchoring him. Look at me, he said.  _ Look at me. _

_ “ _ Felix, you're crying.”

If this wasn't such a heart-breaking situation Felix might have snapped at the obvious. Might have poked fun at his stupidity. But unfortunately, this situation was too bleak to even begin to formulate such a thought, let alone let it slip from his mouth. Felix shook his head, as the tiny droplets rained on Sylvain's chest.

“I haven't seen you cry since we were kids. But... you cried a lot when we were little. You were such a crybaby. It was so cute... Seeing you cry again... Just wow,” Sylvain's voice was breathless, surprised, and he reached out a trembling hand to cup Felix's cheek again. “You're beautiful, Felix...”

That just made the tears fall harder, he couldn't stop. He couldn't stop picturing them as kids, baby-faced with rosy cheeks, holding hands, clutching wooden swords. Felix ran to Sylvain whenever he was upset, tiny chubby cheeks puffy from crying. An image of them making their tiny little promise to die together, which was reminiscent of a wedding vow.

Sylvain holding Felix as he cried after Glenn died. Sylvain, the only source of comfort as he cried himself to sleep at night during sleepovers because he happened to dream about his brother. Sylvain looking out for him. Sylvain. Always Sylvain.

“Sylvain,” Felix could barely choke out the words through his sobs that racked his body. “I want you to make me another promise.”

Sylvain's eyes blinked in a nod, blood still trickling from his mouth, “Anything.”

“You need to promise me that you won't die.”  _ Lie through your pretty little teeth one last time. Please. Lie to me so I can hold onto that hope that you'll live. _

_ “ _ We've been protecting each other for as long as I can remember. Pulling each other out of burning buildings, battling monsters, covering each other's tracks, lying for one another. It's a game of who to protect, and who's gonna die for who, and give and take until one of us chokes!” Felix's voice cracks on the last sentence, and he's sobbing now, really sobbing. The hardest he's cried in years, save for that breakdown after Sylvain left his room months back.

“But I don't want that. I don't want to die together.” He grasps Sylvain's hand so hard he's sure he might break it. “Not yet anyway. Not till we're old and nestled in each other's arms on our deathbeds. Not now. Not until we kiss, and we kiss, and we kiss. Not until we  _ live _ . Don't you see, Sylvain, I don't want us to die together, I want us to LIVE together.”

He's shaking, resting his head against Sylvain's, tears falling onto his best friend's perfect skin. His perfect face.

“I want to live for each other. Until death do us part.”

_ Please.  _ I love you.

An unmistakable warmth courses through Sylvain and he pulled Felix close so that they're pressed up against one another, fitting like a perfect puzzle piece. Their foreheads touched, his hand resting on the nape of Felix's neck and he gently intertwined their fingers together with his other hand.

“I promise.” His eyes start to flutter. “Till death do us part.”

Sylvain’s eyes glaze over as they watch the sunset. 

The war was over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told ya it gets worse before it gets better! If I made you sad you are entitled to financial compensation.
> 
> One more part guys! These boys deserve the world after the hell they've been through, honestly. They're gonna get the sweetest fucking lovemaking session in part 3 bc they deserve smut and so do y'all after putting up with this angst fest am I right? ;D
> 
> STAY TUNED FOR HOT STEAMY SEX!!!!! 
> 
> I s2g part 3 will be up in a more timely manner. Before Nanowrimo for sure!
> 
> If you like my work, here is my tip jar: https://ko-fi.com/stardusttorememberyouby  
> If you buy me a coffee lmk and I'll doodle you something!!! Also scream w me on Twitter about these boys, they are my everything~


	3. I could get used to your company

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, guys, it's finally here!!! These boys finally get their reconciliation, and finally, admit their fucking feelings!!! It's about time! SO PROUD OF THEM!!!
> 
> And y'all get your tooth-rotting fluff and smut. ;D Enjoy!

Amaryllis  
Part 3

Felix went to the cathedral every day during Sylvain's comatose state. Bernie did what she was told – rushed to find Dorothea as soon as she was able to and their best healer came to their aid. Then Edelgard and Byleth came swooping down on their pegasus and wyvern, and they whisked Sylvain away from him.

It killed Felix to watch him leave. It felt as if his heart was being ripped from his chest. He knew he was inc apable hands - both Lysithea and Dorothea working day in and day out to make sure he stayed alive. Sylvain was with the best of the best but Felix felt the anxiety of butterflies coursing through his sternum at the thought of losing Sylvain. 

Felix's best friend. Felix's most precious person. The man who he kept denying his feelings for. The man with who he was in love with. The man he wanted to live for. The man he couldn’t lose no matter what, lest they break their promise. If Sylvain died, so too should he, whether from suicide or a broken heart. It was all the same as far as Felix was concerned. 

He got down on his knees before the Seiros statue and bowed his head in prayer. Felix wasn't a religious person by any means, he found it easier to take his life into his own hands and fight his own fate. He dealt with the hand he was given. But right now, he found some comfort in praying to the make-believe grace of a higher power. Maybe if Sylvain would be saved, Felix would start believing.

He couldn't bear the thought of him not surviving. He had to survive. He was Sylvain Jose Gautier. Insatiable, flirtatious, dumbass Sylvain. He couldn't leave this world. Not yet. Not without Felix by his side. Felix would walk through hell to save his life.

After what seemed like an hour, Felix softly opened his eyes and blinked in the sunlight filtering through the stained glass windows, filling him with hope and faith. He heard soft footsteps behind him on the mix of rubble and tile, then there was a touch of his shoulder. He turned around to see Dorothea, green eyes laced with so much emotion that he couldn’t pinpoint. Not pity. Empathy perhaps? As if by some notion she felt what he felt, just not as tenfold.

But when she caught his attention and he really looked at her, really looked at her instead of staring through her, her eyes betrayed that emotion, and she smiled, actually smiled. Felix felt his heart thrum against his ribcage.

“Sylvain's awake,” Dorothea murmured. “He's out of his comatose state.”

Felix felt like the world stood still. He let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding and he gripped Dorothea's hands with his own, to anchor him, his eyes pleading for this to be true. Sylvain's awake.

“I'll take you to him,” She led them both out of the cathedral and through the broken down monastery wasteland they called home. And Felix realized, with a blossoming hope, that they would all be going home soon. The war was over, they could finally rest.

The duo made their way to the infirmary, the hammering of Felix’s heart in timing with their steps. The man tried so hard to keep a steady pace, and not rush into the room but it was so hard. He needed to see him. Need to make sure he was alive. He held his breath as he stepped into the room as if breathing would shatter everything.

He saw that mop of red hair, those amber-brown eyes widen in shock when the object of his affections stepped into the room. His mouth curved into the biggest smile Felix had ever seen him sport. Felix felt his heart soften. Gods, Sylvain could make him so weak.

He's here. He's alive. Sylvain is gonna be okay.

The more he repeated it, the more it sunk in and cemented into his brain. This was real. He was awake. Alive. Felix could finally, finally give him his heart after all this time. Let him in. Tell him everything he's been afraid to admit for so long. Reconciliation.

“See?” Sylvain chuckled, and Felix relished in the sound of his laugh, thankful to hear it again after what seemed like centuries. “I pulled through. Just like I promised.”

Felix felt tears prickle the edge of his eyes. Dorothea, Lysithea, Byleth, and Edelgard gave Felix warm looks as they excused themselves to let the two have some privacy.

“We'll let you two have some time alone. Just make sure not to stay too long,” Dorothea reminded him. “Sylvain still needs to rest. You can catch up more tomorrow, and the days following.”

Felix gave her a grateful nod as she exited the building with others leaving the two best friends alone.

Silence echoed across the walls, reverberating with the beating of their hearts. Sylvain looked at Felix expectantly as he watched him from the side of the room but the man felt frozen in place. Sylvain waited, and then softly coaxed him with a gentle pat of his hand on the bed.

Felix padded across the wooden floorboards and made his way to the man's bedside. Felix had never seen so much light and warmth in his eyes. It made him weak.

He sat on the edge of the bed, careful to mind Sylvain's legs, the mattress dipping as he sunk in. Sylvain smiled and then gave a gentle motion with his head to the flowers by his bedside. “Did you leave those?” He asked.

Felix nodded, his voice feeling like it was stuck in his throat. He coaxed it out with a reminder that this was real. Sylvain was alive. This wasn't a dream – this was reality.

“Sometimes it was Bernadetta, sometimes Dorothea, or Byleth, but if the flowers started wilting I'd replace them. And the ones left there were the ones I got today.”

Sunflowers. The golden flower reminded him so much of the redhead. Since it was winter now, and flowers were a rare commodity, he had to get these from the greenhouse. The greenhouse keeper gifted them with open arms, wishing Sylvain a speedy recovery.

“They're beautiful. Thank you.” Sylvain reached out a shaky hand to cup their petals, almost tenderly. And it took everything in Felix's willpower not to whisper, just like you.

“I can't believe the war is over,” Sylvain admitted, glancing out the window. “That we won. It's...surreal. We can finally rest and recover. Make Fodlan a better place. I can't wait to see where we'll be a year from now. Or two years, or three.”

Sylvain was looking at Felix now, eyes boring into his, so much left unsaid between the two of them. Felix wondered too. Wondered where they'd be a year from now, or ten, or thirty. What would the future hold for them?

Felix wasn't sure. Couldn't look into the future to tell but he did know that whatever happened he'd cherish the moments. He’d make them count.

“There's supposed to be a celebration a week from now,” Felix commented. “Edelgard wants us to gather together in a ball and a feast. I'm not much for dancing, or gatherings, but I think coming together in camadiere sounds nice.”

“Mmm.” Sylvain hums in agreement. “Dorothea says I'll be fully recovered in a few more days. She just wants me to take it easy and rest for now.”

“I'll make sure you rest,” Felix told him. “Even if I have to tie you to the bed.”

“Is that a threat or a promise?”

Gods, Felix missed this. Their playful back and forth banter. Their push and pull dynamic. It was a welcome presence in his life.  
They were quiet for a while, just sitting in comfortable silence, relishing in each other's presence. Felix knew he shouldn't overstay his welcome; after all Sylvain still had to rest and recover. They had time. He felt relief overcome him at that reminder.

They had time.

But even still, Sylvain was here within his grasp. Tangible. He could hold him. Tell him everything. But where to even begin?

“Sylvain,” Felix begins, heart-pounding when his eyes meet his best friend's. “I want to apologize.” For everything. “For the things I said to you when we fought. It was uncalled for. I let my anxiety get the best of me and I took it out on you. I'm…” He let out a shaky sigh. “ sorry. I’m truly sorry.”

“I'm sorry, too.” Sylvain reached for his hand, intertwining their fingers together, brushing his thumb against Felix's skin. “I should have been honest with you from the start. I was shit at communicating my feelings and you had every right to be upset. I...” He trails off. “I should have told you the truth. About everything.”

“The things I said,” Felix paused, as he felt shame wash over him from the memory,“I didn't mean them. I said those things because I was trying to push you away. Because...it was easier than being honest to myself. I thought if I found a reason to hate you then it would make it easier for me. I couldn't face the truth about what I was feeling. You...deserved better.” You deserve better.

“Felix...” Sylvain's thumb caressed his hand as he spoke. “There's something I wanted to tell you. Remember how you saw me with that shopkeeper? The one you saw me flirting with?”

“I remember.” Vivid as the day it happened.

“I wasn't flirting with her. I know that's what you thought you saw but...I wasn't. I swear to you. There was a reason I was speaking to her.”

Felix listened with rapt attention. Trying to think back on that moment with a level-head. He tried to remember every detail, everything he probably forgot in his fit of rage. He couldn't remember much; couldn't stop his brain from worrying and jumping to conclusions again but he was patient this time. Patiently waiting to hear Sylvain's side of the story.

“Go on.”

There was sincerity lingering in his eyes. Felix listened. He listened this time.

“I commissioned her for something,” Sylvain murmured in a small voice, a dusting of rose upon his cheeks. “When you saw me holding her hand? She was showing me what I had her smith. She was giggling because I was...” He trailed off, soft, almost shy. He then brought his attention back to Felix, his eyes stealing his soul, holding it in his hands tenderly. “I was talking about you.”  
Felix felt his heart pound against his chest. There was such a raw look in Sylvain's eyes, a visceral reaction tore through him.

“I was talking about how much you mean to me. She was giggling because, well I was being romantic and flirty. But not to her, Felix. To you. About you.” His thumb caressed the outside of Felix's hand as if to anchor him while he confessed the inner workings of his heart. “What I bought was supposed to be a gift for you.” He said in a rush of breath. “But I wanted to wait to give it to you. Wait till the war was over and we were free from this hell and this madness. When things were more calm. Does that make sense?”

It did.

And damn did Felix feel like a fool. Looking back, he realized that the shock that Sylvain showed him was because of the nature of the scene because it was supposed to be a surprise. Not because he was flirting or being dishonest with his feelings towards Felix. Quite the opposite.

“I understand why you thought what you did, though,” Sylvain admits running a hand nervously through his mop of red locks. “I didn't exactly defend myself. Nor have I been honest with my feelings about you.” “I was scared to tell you how I felt because I didn't want you to think I was just shamelessly flirting or spitting pretty words as I do with everyone else.” 

Felix felt like he couldn't breathe as Sylvain locked eyes with him, raw and honest words tumbling out of his mouth. “You're different, Felix. And I wanted you to know that. I didn't want to ruin this, whatever this is.”

Felix dared to leave a whisper, “And what is this?” Us.

Hold your breath and count to ten. Just count to ten.

“I'm falling for you.”

Felix felt his hands start to tremor from the emotions flooring him. His heart palpitated, racing at an even higher pace than it already was. He had to anchor himself as he listened to Sylvain's truth.; the severity of his words finally hitting him.

“And I wished I realized it sooner. So that I could have prevented this from happening.” His voice got quiet and he looked away, guilt radiating from his pores. “I let my baggage get the best of me. I don't want to get close to people because I'm scared they'll leave or use me, so that's why I always bail first. Any sign of falling, or feelings, whether from them or myself, and I freeze. And I just...push them away.”

Felix understood that. Feelings were absolutely fucking terrifying. Hell, he pushed Sylvain away as well. They both had their own baggage and reservations when it came to love.

“Not that you would ever use me.” Sylvain quickly turned back to him, his brown eyes warm and sincere. “And I knew that, too. I just... I got scared. And I honestly think you deserved better than me.”

Felix jerked his hand out of his grasp, causing Sylvain to startle, but the warmth from Felix's hands graced his cheek as he cupped him tenderly – fondly. He made Sylvain look at him; both sets of eyes interlocked in a waging war of emotions.

“Shut up and kiss me.”

Sylvain's eyes widened in shock, but then his eyes trailed to Felix's lips, and then back up to his eyes. He leaned into Felix, and the man took the initiative to crane his neck and capture their lips in a heated passionate kiss. Full of so much of emotion – of words left unsaid, of the feelings they've both been shouldering for so long. Out in the open now, cradled in each other's hearts.

Felix let his right-hand snake it's way around the nape of Sylvain's neck – that delicate spot that caused him to gasp out softly, before diving back in. Their romantic rendezvous stirred up so many emotions in Felix and he let himself wade in them; surrendering himself to the waves and the current, knowing that Sylvain would never let him drown.

They've kissed so many times before. Behind closed doors, quick pecks in moments of desperation. Passionate tangos during their lovemaking. So many kisses, Felix lost track. But this.... this was so much. This was a raw need. Love in its purest form. The memories came flooding back, flooring him. His taste, his Sylvain. His. His...

He gently let his tongue slip inside Sylvain's mouth and the duo fought for dominance. Exploring each other, letting their hands touch and squeeze every nook of their bodies. Flushed, sweet gasps, fluttering eyelashes. A soft whisper almost escaped Felix's mouth when there was a knock at the infirmary door.

“Alright you two, visiting hours are over. Sylvain needs to rest.”

The two broke apart so quickly, almost hitting each other in the head from being startled. Sylvain quickly made himself look presentable, clearing his throat, and inviting the person in with a chuckle, “Okay, okay. You can come in.”

Felix made sure to stand by his bedside, nearest the flowers, smoothing down his shirt when the person entered. Manuela. Of course.

She had a knowing smile dancing upon her lips and she could probably tell that there was a heated moment that transpired before she entered but god be damned she didn't say anything. Felix was grateful.

“I know you're both glad to see each other but Sylvain really needs to rest. The more he rests, the sooner he'll get better.” She scolded, coming over to Sylvain's bedside. “You look flushed.” She pursed her lips but there was a hidden curve of a smile dancing on her lips.

“I'll take my leave,” Felix told her, bowing slightly. “Thank you for taking care of him.”

“He's in good care.” She winked.

Sylvain nodded, pearly whites flashed in a grin. “I'll see you soon.”

“Get better – can't have you slacking.” Felix bid him adieu but even he couldn't hide his small smile threatening to spill.

“On it.”

His feet padded across the wooden floorboards and out the door, the sunlight kissed his face and filled him with hope and courage.

~

The entirety of their decrepit home was alight in torches with cheer. Food vendors and craft makers gathered outside where the weapon shops and armories would be. They gathered in merriment and excitement to sell their goods, as the gates of the monastery were opened for the celebration for the end of the war.

People weaved in and out of the grounds, some heading to the graveyards to pay respects to their fallen comrades or late classmates. Felix saw Edelgard and Byleth headed there earlier to lay flowers down on Dimitri's grave. He thought about doing the same with Sylvain later.

The dining hall was a banquet-style full of food. Mountain and mountains of food. Claude showed up with most of the Golden Deer comrades in tow, shy of the ones who were in Edelgard's army, with a wink and a bow. 

The duo made the mistake of eating first and then dancing, which was the last thing Felix promised he'd ever do. But Sylvain coaxed him with his stupid puppy dog eyes, and his stupid laugh, and here they were, on the dance floor after eating mountains of meat and veggies.

Thankfully it was just a slow waltzing song, one where Felix could just follow Sylvain's lead and take it slow. His one hand imprinted on Sylvain's hip, the other resting on his back. The duo danced until the song ended, a little tipsy from the alcohol, with flushed cheeks, and smiles upon their faces. Felix could even point out where Sylvain used his battle experience, the way he so delicately knew where to put his feet as if he was in the middle of a battle. Pivot, switch, pivot, switch.

“I think I'm gonna get some water,” Sylvain jerked his neck over to where they had kegs set up with water for the dancers. “Do you want any?”

“Sure.”

Dancing was a workout in itself, Felix realized. And he was getting parched. Sylvain was just about to excuse himself when Dorothea sauntered over to the duo, her eyes dancing.

“Care if I steal him for a while?” Dorothea asked, motioning to Felix.

“Go for it.” Sylvain gave a wink and a bow, “Though make sure to give him back around 8. I want him to meet me at the goddess tower.”

And then the redhead nodded to Felix, cementing their meetup place. Felix gave an acknowledging grunt and then turned to Dorothea once Sylvain headed off to grab water. Dorothea took Felix's hand and they moved onto the dance floor again. Another song started up, soft piano flowing on deft fingers. It was soothing.

The songstress gave a little curtsey, and Felix gave a bow in return before anchoring their bodies against one another as they danced. They were quiet for the first few seconds, just getting used to the rhythm and movement. Felix had to adjust to Dorothea's height now, as he was more or less eye-level with her, not having to crane his neck as much. Her back was also more dainty than Sylvain's, though still packed with muscle, which easily showed through her open back.

There was a twinkle in her eyes, and a soft knowing smile gracing her lips. She rested her dainty hand on Felix's hip, and the other on his shoulder as they waltzed to the music. She looked like she wanted to say something, a tiny giggle escaping her throat, with a look of mischief in her eyes.

“Out with it,” He said, though there was no malice, only playfulness to which Dorothea took running.

“You and Sylvain.”

“What about us?” Felix snorted, though a faint blush crept up his neck and he felt his skin get warmer.

“It's about time.” Dorothea teased, giggling softly. “Seriously, you've put each other through enough waiting for a lifetime. You both are shit when it comes to expressing your feelings, you know that?”

Felix snorted again, “There was a lot going on behind closed doors.”

“I'm well aware,” Dorothea teased him. “I was there during the dining hall fiasco. And Sylvain's breakdown.”

“Sylvain's breakdown?” Felix asked, brow furrowed in worry.

“Don't worry, he's fine.” Dorothea soothed Felix, gently rubbing his shoulder where her right hand sat. “I took care of him. I also helped him pull his head out of his ass.”

Dorothea was quiet for a moment before murmuring, “It really hurt him, too even if he didn't show it. That lover he sported around like a trophy? He was a rebound.”

“No shit,” Felix paused before asking. “Did he talk about us?”

“After a while yeah,” Her voice was soft as she relayed the events to Felix. “He was drunk, broken on the floor in his old dorm. He looked like hell worn over. At first he made it seem like he was talking about his newest boy toy, but you know I’m not stupid. I knew he was talking about you, and he knew I knew. And he confessed that he was scared to surrender himself to love.”

Myself included. Felix thought. It was scarier than walking on thin ice. Hell, he was still scared. But he didn't let that stop him this time. This time he was braver. This time he had more courage. Enough to surrender himself to love, fully, submerging himself in the water.

“It was something I related to strongly,” Dorothea admitted. “I'm still trying to figure out how to surrender myself to love. But....” There was a ferocity in her eyes. “I'm working on it. I made Sylvain promise that he would confess to you. And in turn, I promised to do the same. So...Now that he's upheld his promise, it looks like I have to do the same.”

There was a scarlet hue to her cheeks and a nervous smile. Felix was shit at encouraging but he gave her a nod of approval.

“I believe in you,” Felix told her. “We believe in you. You can do it.”

“Thank you, Felix.” She pulled him in for a rush of a hug, taking his breath away, and her brown locks tickling his skin as he breathed in her scent. He held her close, murmuring, “If I can do it, so can you.”

Dorothea gave a grateful sigh and murmured, “Thank you.” The song ended and the two split apart but there was a ferocity dancing in emerald depths of the songstress's eyes. She gave a grateful squeeze to Felix's shoulder before waving her hand, “Well, wish me luck. I'm going to take a leap of faith.”

And she did just that. Left Felix without another word and headed to her destination. Felix admired her ambition and courage. He only hoped it would end with the outcome she deserved. He headed out of the extravagant hall after that, remembering Sylvain's wish for them to meet at the goddess tower. The cool brisk air hit his face and he bundled up in his scarf and coat he grabbed on the way out. The moonlight guided the way to Sylvain, and his heart.  


~

Sharp footsteps sounded across the stone steps as Felix carried himself up towards the balcony overlooking the excitement from the festivities. It's quieter up here – nothing but the cold chill of winter and the starry night sky to greet him. There's still the festivities going on down below and the noise is almost comforting, even.

Felix felt his heartbeat quicken as the mop of red hair snuck into his view. Sylvain. Just like he promised. His back was away from Felix, looking down on the merriment with a smirk upon his lips. As soon as he heard Felix's footsteps he turned towards him with his signature shit-eating grin.

“I see Dorothea let you go after all.” Sylvain teased, inviting Felix over to stand beside him to watch the people below.

“We had a good talk,” Felix admitted. “She told me she was happy for us.”

Sylvain hummed. Felix was grateful for the talk he had with Dorothea but he didn't want Sylvain to know she told him about his breakdown. He knew Sylvain wouldn't mind – after all, he trusted her, and he trusted Felix, and he wasn't afraid of talking about the things that happened then. Yet still, Felix didn't want to bring it up.

It was a moment of vulnerability. Of heartache. Of regrets and mistakes and that was that. Felix spent too much of his life living in the past, regretting things; wishing he could change the outcome of his life, or the deaths he's experienced, or raise his brother from the dead, but it was futile. He spent too much of his time fixated on the past. He wanted to focus on the future. Their future. His and Sylvain's.

There was so much on the horizon for the two of them it was almost dizzying to think about. Sometimes when Felix thought about it, he truly felt as if he were dissociating – seeing these events unfold as someone else. But this was really happening, and this was his life now. Forever at Sylvain’s side.

Until death do them part.

As if Sylvain was reading his mind, his voice softened and he turned to look at him – his honey gold eyes sucking him in so easily, “Hey, Felix.”

“Mmm?” He looked over at him. Took in him fully. His freckled face, almost illuminated against the starry skies. His shaggy mop of red hair which Felix could never decide if it was akin to a sunrise or sunset. His lean form, his taut muscles. That smile that made Felix melt more than he'd ever admit.

“Close your eyes,” Sylvain whispered, and Felix felt his heart palpitate against his chest.

“Is this a trap?” He asked, causing Sylvain to break composure and laugh.

“I'm trying to be romantic and sweet and you think I'm pranking you?” He stuck his tongue out, in a flirting manner. “Not quite, Fe. Trust me.”

And so he did. Felix closed his eyes and waited with as much patience as he could muster.  
“And don't open your eyes until I tell you to,” Sylvain reminded him as if Felix was truly that dumb.

If Felix wasn't forced to close his eyes he might have rolled them. He let out a soft sigh, which was quickly stolen away when he felt Sylvain's hand grasp his, the appendage warm and inviting, causing his skin to feel like it was set aflame. The warmth of his touch, so tender, was replaced with something cold, but full of warmth and a light all on its own. It was small and it felt like it could slip through his fingers like sand.  
Sylvain's palm gave a gentle squeeze to Felix's as he closed his fingers shot, and then with a slight clear of his throat, he said, “Alright, you can open your eyes.”

Felix did just that, image and color flooding his senses, and the soft tender look of Sylvain watched him attentively. Felix squeezed the object in his hand before opening up his hand to reveal a sterling silver ring. Engraved on the side, so small, almost minuscule, was Felix's crest, and on the other side Sylvain's own. Down the middle was a small quote, simple enough to suffice their vow.

Until death.

Felix felt the pin-prickling of tears create in the corner of his eyes, and he felt his throat form a lump in it. He didn't know what to say, so he was thankful when Sylvain started talking, his voice filling the silence like he so expertly can do.

“This is what I commissioned that blacksmith to make. That day you saw us together? I was picking up this.” Sylvain's beaming smile was enough to melt the ice over Felix's heart. How could he have ever doubted him?

“To be fair you did see me grasping her hand, but that was only because she was modeling it for me. I had her make sure it fit well enough.” Sylvain chuckled. “You have really long and dainty fingers, Felix.”

Felix took the ring and held it out to Sylvain, “I want you to put this on me.” And as an added afterthought. “Please.”

“My pleasure.” He extended his hand to grab it, his pearly whites in a grin. He took Felix's left hand in his and held it to his lips, pressing a soft tender kiss upon the backside.

Sylvain's hand slid the ring on Felix's ring finger – the silver band fitting perfectly, sized to perfection. He couldn't get over and neither could Sylvain for his lips were etched in a permanent smile.

“It fits perfectly....” His voice was so soft and tender. The exact octave that made Felix's heart melt so easily, like putty in his hands. Except this time Sylvain would carefully cradle his heart and do his all to protect him.

“It's a promise ring,” Sylvain told him, tethering their hands together in their own embrace. “Based on the vow we made when we were kids. A promise to stick together until the very end. To die together, and to live together. And....” He got shy now, and even in the moonlight, Felix could see the faint blush dust across his freckled cheeks. Gods, he was so beautiful. Sylvain ran a hand through his hair nervously, eyes glancing at Felix and then away, “A promise to marry you. In the future.” Felix didn't think he'd ever seen the redhead so nervous and soft. It was endearing. “Obviously if I had proposed to you I'd have done the whole spheal. Made a big deal out of it. Got down on my knee and...”

He swallowed hard, nervously running a hand through his locks again. “But for now, I wanted to give this to you. To make things official and....” His eyes got serious, burning into Felix, “To show just how committed I am to you. You mean so much to me, Felix. I want...I want to be the best man I can be for you.”

Felix felt like he was floored. He couldn't breathe; barely knew what to say. Just knew that he loved the man standing before him more than he ever thought possible. Realized, right then and there, how much Sylvain had a hold on his heart. How he'd adored him, ever since they were children, and how he wanted nothing more than to stand by his side, forevermore. Felix felt that tenfold.

“Idiot,” He cursed, pulling Sylvain in for a bone-crushing hug. “Just being by my side is enough.”

They were quiet for a while, just nestled in each other's arms, tender and warm against the cold when Felix broke the silence. “Thank you, Sylvain.” He murmured against the crook of the other man's neck. “For this. For your love... I know I'm not the best at expressing emotions but, this means more to me than you'll ever know.”

The words fell flat on his tongue, held back from fear and anxiety, even though he had nothing to fear anymore. God, he hoped he knew. He hoped he understood.

“I know, I know.” And there was a shimmer in his eyes, a knowing smile dancing upon his lips, so tender, so soft, Felix wanted nothing more than to pull him in for a sweet searing kiss. And that, Felix, realized, he could admit.

“Kiss me, you fool.”

And so he did. Their mouths connecting in a heated passionate kiss of tongues and teeth. They kissed, and they kissed, and they kissed until Felix felt like he'd memorized every inch of Sylvain's skin, every hidden crevice hiding behind his lips. So he'd never forget the taste or the smell of the man he adored so much.

The kisses were hot and searing and Felix felt like he couldn't get enough. He tangled his hands in Sylvain's hair, and pressed up against him like the lack of contact was depriving him of the very thing he needed most. He nibbled on his lower lip, then darted his tongue in when Sylvain gasps. It was a messy tango of love and need and Felix felt like every time he'd kiss the man he discovered something new.

Sylvain's fingers dug into his hips as he pulled away to rest his forehead against Felix’s with a breathy shudder. They just stood there, eyes closed, as they gained their footing, and breaths once again.

The raven-haired man opened his eyes and stared into the honey gold irises before him, the crowns of their foreheads pressed up against one another in a soft gesture. Felix's hand was tangled in those ginger locks, and he gently slid his deft fingers down to rest against Sylvain's neck. He shivered, pupils dilated and Felix felt a hot flush rush through him and his heart pound so hard he thought it might burst out of his chest. How in love was he, with the man standing before him.

And how desperately he wished to show him.

He swallowed hard, his fingers snaking their way from his neck to cup his chin, thumb gently caressing his jaw. Felix was sure this was the warmest his heart has ever felt, and the way Sylvain leaned in and surrendered himself to the touch, lit his heart aflame.

“Make love to me, Sylvain.”

Sylvain's eyes widened, and Felix could feel his heartbeat quicken, matching Felix's own. There was a raw emotion laced in his eyes and he nodded, mutely, so much love and warmth, as if he was the sun himself. Felix felt like he could bask in that light forever.

Sylvain intertwined their hands together, and in a breathy murmur that sent shivers up Felix's spine, he uttered, “Make me feel alive.”

~

The walk to Felix's dorm was a familiar path they tread in the past, to the point where it felt as if their footprints were imprinted onto the hardwood floors. They've walked these floors so many times – stumbling in the night, drunk on desire and need, and a myriad of emotions. Tonight was no different, yet at the same time it was.

It was their first time together as a couple. Official. With no hidden emotions, no agendas, no lying about their feelings. Just raw honesty and vulnerability in its simplest form. It was heat, and love, and rapture.

The swordsman was grateful for the quiet and empty noise of the halls. Not a soul in sight, or earshot – just a moment of respite. Everyone was out enjoying the festivities or in the dining hall eating. It brought back flashbacks and memories of the White Heron Cup they had during their teenage years. Sometimes Felix wished he could go back, but if he had, would the memories happening right now come to fruition?

Sylvain's hand was warm and soft, and he gently squeezed Felix's hand in a comforting gesture as they climbed the stairs to the second floor where their dorms resided. Felix counted all the dorms as they passed to distract himself from the pounding in his heart.

They've done this before and yet... Here he was, ready to bare his soul and give everything to the man before him. His life, his love, his soul, his body, and Sylvain would do the same.

He watched as Sylvain reached for the doorknob, slipping inside and inviting Felix in. Out of habit, he locked the door, and then turned to face Felix, his eyes searching his, asking, needing to know. Yes. Do you want this?

Felix gives him a wordless nod, but then remembering he liked affirmation, especially when it comes to consent, Felix verbalized his feelings, “I want this more than anything.” He swallowed hard, averting his eyes, suddenly feeling a wave of shyness wash over him.

“Me, too,” Sylvain let out a breathy laugh, his pearly whites catching in the moonlight. Damn, he was so beautiful. 

He watched as Sylvain walked over to the bedside desk and light one of the lamps, illuminating the room ever so slightly. The flames danced off the walls, obscuring the room in shadows, and bits of light.

Sylvain reached for Felix's chin, caressing it slowly, his eyelashes half-lidded as he whispered, “I'm going to kiss you, now, is that okay?”

Felix swallowed hard and nodded, knowing he could never get enough of his kisses. Tiny pecks, intimate kisses, full-blown making out, Felix felt like it set his insides on fire every time. With a breathless murmur, he repeated the words Sylvain said earlier, “Make me feel alive.”

And there they were, back at it in a tangle of kisses, long, and hot. Felix melted against Sylvain, and he did the same, pressing against him like the lack of contact would drive him mad. Felix slipped his tongue inside of Sylvain's mouth and explored like it was the first time, Sylvain fighting him for dominance.

Felix yielded to him, and let Sylvain win for once, pulling away with a breathless laugh as he licked his lips. Felix reached for Sylvain's perfect face and pulled him close, kissing his lips yet again, and then trailing down to leave hot kisses on his neck. He nipped at the sensitive flesh of Sylvain's jugular, the sounds he made completely worth it. Sylvain's soft gasps and shudders were like a wanton prayer to Felix's ears and he could not get enough.

He sucked on his collarbone, bruising the flesh with his claiming of mine. He felt Sylvain's hand snake through his hair, removing the hair tie that confined the strands, and watched them fall in a curtain of rain. It was almost tender. Soft.

He was all over Felix after that, pressing kisses on every inch of skin he could get. He hummed against the flesh, leaving his own little lovebites on the dip in Felix's neck. Hooking Felix's leg at the curve of his hip, Sylvain gently swept them both onto the soft downy duvet of Felix's bed, falling with a plop. He settled in between Felix's thighs and let his hands trail down the curve of Felix's hips. The redhead slipped his hands under the soft downy fabric of the turtleneck and slipped it over Felix's head with ease.

Out of breath, pupils dilating, Felix looked up at Sylvain with his flushed face. His heart hammered at the tender look Sylvain gave him when his eyes wandered over the expanse of his chest. His deft fingers snaked their way around his hips, pressing into the expanse of bones, leaving their loving imprint.

“Take your shirt off,” Felix commanded, loving the way Sylvain's eyes widened at the simple command. “I can’t be the only one without a shirt.” He chuckled, and teasingly slipped his shirt over his head, throwing it in the corner of the room when he was done.

“There,” His eyes danced. “One less article of clothing for both of us.”

Felix shivered as one of Sylvain's hands slowly, painstakingly slowly, trailed it's way up the expanse of his stomach, and then his chest. Goosebumps raised on his skin and sharply inhaled when Sylvain's thumb grazed his nipple. He squeezed the hardening nub, and then leaned forward, letting his lips graze the flesh in a teasing gesture before taking it in his mouth and sucking hard.  
Felix let out a muffled cry when his teeth grazed the flesh, his hands gripping in Sylvain's hair. Sylvain stopped for a moment to laugh, teasing, “I always forget just how sensitive you are. It's cute. Really cute.”

Felix felt his body grow hot at the words, and he spat out, “S-shut up!” before Sylvain went back to his ministrations. He sucked and nipped at the sensitive bud while grazing the other with his left hand. Felix could almost feel how Sylvain would smile anytime he'd gasp, or buckle under the touch.

When he was done, he smiled breathlessly as he pulled away, letting his weight lift off Felix's hips for a brief moment. Felix hungrily traced the curve of his hips, running his hands along his sides, eliciting a shiver from the man. His eyelashes batted as Felix ran the pad of his thumb over a hardened nipple before pulling him in for another intoxicating kiss.

It was a tangle of tongues and teeth, of push, and pull, and they didn't stop until Sylvain ground his knee into Felix's spread legs, causing the other man to stifle a cry. Sylvain nipped at Felix's lower lip, and his hand trailed past the expanse of his stomach, down to cup at the protruding bulge in his pants that was extremely noticeable. He shivered as Sylvain teased him.

“You gonna do something about that?” Felix asked in between kisses.

Sylvain pulled away, his lips in a wicked smile. “Maybe,” He squeezed again, as Felix glared at him. “But only if you ask nicely. I like it when you say please.”

Gods, Felix couldn't say no to that face. The way Sylvain watched him attentively while his hands gently moved to the hem of his pants as he waited. How could Felix say no? He'd do anything for Sylvain, he was sure. Even yielding and surrendering himself fully, despite what his pride may want.

“Please.” He said simply, but there was a skip of his heart at the words, and the gleeful look on Sylvain's face made his heart jump tenfold.

The redhead chuckled, his eyes burning to Felix's as he wickedly whispered, “Good boy.”

Felix's breath hitched and his dick twitched with interest at the praise. He watched as Sylvain's hands undid his pants with ease, his deft fingers easily unworking the button and then slipping them down his legs. He tossed them off to the side, and then pulled Felix by the hips to sit at the edge of the bed. The prickly thorns that Felix kept snaked around his heart were slowly falling away, bearing himself in full for Sylvain. It was humbling, in a way, to let himself go like this.

Sylvain got on his knees before Felix, making eye contact with a smoldering stare that could melt Felix completely if he let it. He gave him a reassuring nod, and Sylvain wasted no time in removing his underwear, finally letting his needy member free.

Sylvain gave a wicked smile looking up at Felix as he settled himself in between Felix's legs. Felix adored how the light from the candle reflected off the back of his head, illuminating the curve of his lips, the dusting of freckles, and his honey-brown eyes. Seeing Sylvain between his legs was enough to practically send him over the edge. Felix wondered if Sylvain even knew just how much of a hold he had on the man. How easily Sylvain had him wrapped around his little finger?

“Look at you, Felix,” Sylvain murmured fondly. “Fuck...” His voice trailed off as his hands spread Felix's thighs. “You're so....”

Felix wasn't sure if it was the pounding of blood in his ears, or the dizzying sensation dancing on his skin, but he swore he heard Sylvain's voice carry an air of amazement, as if he couldn't believe how worked up Felix was already. What he could do to him. The power he held in his hands and how weak he made the man.

“You're beautiful, you know that?” His hands ran along the insides of Felix’s thighs, and the sincerity of Sylvain's words made him gasp out, his hand coming up to his mouth to muffle the sound.

Sylvain leaned, pressing sweet, hot kisses up Felix's thighs, biting the flesh and causing the swordsman to keen, and shake. He nipped at the flesh, leaving little purple bruises, and love-bites in his wake; claiming Felix as his. He looked up at Felix with his dreamy eyes, a soft chuckle tumbling from his lips. He let his hand caress the smooth muscle of his thigh while coaxing, “I love the noises you make.”

Hot soft kisses again as Felix looked down on him between his legs, his face flushed. Sylvain stared into his soul, his wicked grin, lighting his insides on fire. “Don't hold back,” Sylvain's voice cut through the ivy wrapped around his heart. “I want to hear you. I want to hear every little noise you make. Everything.”

He gently reached up to grip Felix's arm and coaxed it away from blocking his face. “Please.” Gods that was enough to make him tremble; enough to do him in. Felix swallowed hard but nodded, giving himself up to Sylvain. Surrendering to him completely.  
“I won't hold back either,” Sylvain assured him, before diving back down to kiss his thigh tenderly again.

Felix fisted his hands in Sylvain's hair, to anchor himself for what was to come. He was throbbing so bad, the ache making him come apart at the seams and he knew it wouldn't be long before he melted under Sylvain's touch. How easy he'd come undone.

Sylvain's thumb grazed the head of Felix's dick, pre-cum slick with desire, causing him to buck his hips and to grip Sylvain's hair. Sylvain's haughty laugh sounded through the room, and he leaned forward to trail a line of kisses down the length of his dick.

He gripped the appendage in one hand, pumping it slowly, savoring every noise Felix would elicit. He let his tongue run along the side, and over the head, hot and sweet against the throbbing member. Felix was captivated by Sylvain, a warm sensation coursing through his stomach already just by watching Sylvain getting him off.

His tongue grazed the tip, flicking out to lap at the pre-cum, and then swiveled around his own lips before diving back out to tease. Felix was growing needy by the minute, and the edging was enough to drive him insane. He tugged at Sylvain's hair, coaxing him to take him in his mouth but Sylvain just grinned with that wicked smile. “What do you want Felix?”

How dare he. Cheeky little bastard. Felix wanted to give a biting remark back, snap at him to hurry up, but the way his tongue was working its magic was enough to blur his thoughts in a haze. He could barely think straight, let alone form a coherent sentence.

“Take me ---” He hissed, shuddering when Sylvain flicked his tongue over the head again, deciding to add an afterthought of, “Please, Sylvain.”

“I could get used to you saying please,” He teased, squeezing the dick in his hands, causing Felix to roll his hips against the friction. “But since you asked so nicely...”

Sylvain took him in his mouth and Felix cried out as his hot needy tongue started sliding up his length again. He felt so good, so sweet, his tongue expertly driving him wild. He bobbed his head, taking in as much of Felix as he could before thrusting him up and down in his mouth.

The friction of the hot cave of Sylvain's mouth elliciated was enough to cause his toes to curl, and his fists to clench in his hair. He was so close already and it wouldn't be long before he came undone in his lover's mouth. Sylvain kept up a steady pace, and every now and then Felix would thrust his hips to match Sylvain's timing.

He felt that burning, fluttery sensation engulf his body, he loosened his grip on Sylvain's mess of hair, to run his fingers through it tenderly, murmuring. “I'm so close, Sylvain... Keep going.”

And keep going he did. The soothing coaxing tumbling from Felix's mouth, mixed with the mantra of moans, and gasps, and “Sylvain!” and “please” were enough to keep him ambitious. All Felix could feel, see, smell, and hear, was Sylvain. His senses flooded with the man on his knees before him, his name tumbling off his lips like a mantra.

“Sylvain---” His breath hitched as he hit the back of Sylvain's throat. “F-fuck – I'm --- I'm so close. Please----”

If Sylvain was a religion Felix would have devoted his life to the cause. If Sylvain was a church, he'd get on his knees and worship him. So when he was close, and ready to spill, the only thing he could cry out was his lover's name, not holding back, just as he wished. Surrendering himself fully. His vision blurred, his toes curled, he felt his body arch, and he gripped Sylvain's hair so hard he thought he might pull some out as he spilled, screaming his lover's name, ”SYLVAIN!!”

He slammed back against the bed, vice grip on Sylvain's hair as he felt the jolts of his orgasm rush through him. His walls clenched tightly as he released, and he felt the spurts of his seed spurt in his lover's mouth. He trembled as the shocks subsided slowly, and he lay there dazed until he felt the last contraction leave his body.

His hands slowly loosened their grip on Sylvain's hair and he tried to collect his breath. Sylvain removed his dick from his mouth with a wet, plop, and then licked up the dribble of seed that spilled, swallowing every last drop. They lay there for a while, Felix absentmindedly stroking Sylvain's hair, soothing the scalp where he most definitely pulled too hard.

“Wow,” Felix breathed out, still shaken from everything. “That was incredible.”

“I'll say,” Sylvain laughed, turning to face him, his eyes dancing. “I felt like you were going to pull my hair out at some points. Your grip is intense, love.”

“Sorry,” Felix mumbled an apology and then gave him a chaste kiss. “You really know how to use your tongue.”

Sylvain just laughed and this flicked his tongue out in response, seductively licking his lips. Felix pulled him in for another kiss, yearning to wipe that sexy grin off his face. He ran his fingers through that mop of red hair, whispering in-between hot kisses, “Your pants have got to go.”

Sylvain laughed and gave a cheeky grin, reaching down to unbutton them, shimming them down his hips. Felix gripped his hips, squeezing hard, eliciting such a sweet sound from his lover's mouth. How he couldn't wait to hear more of Sylvain. Taste him, touch him, tease him. Give him everything and then some.

As if Sylvain was reading his mind, he shimmied down his pants and then played with the waistband of his underwear, eyes darting to Felix's for consent.

“Do you want to...” His eyes bore into Felix's, searching, yearning to go all the way. A wish Felix couldn't wait to grant. Coming together and coming undone in each other's arms. They've done it before – never keeping track, never carrying a tally in their minds but this – this was different. This was making love in its purest form.

Felix nodded, “I want you to take me.”

For some reason he couldn't get enough of touching him – the contact made him feel safe and grounded. Whether it was a graze of his fingertips, or resting his shoulder against Sylvain's, Felix yearned to be near him.

Sylvain let out a breath of air, almost nervous, but his lips couldn't contain the smile threatening to steal Felix's heart. He ran a hand through his hair before speaking, “I'll need you to lie back down for me then.”

Felix rested up against the mass of pillows on his bed, situating himself so he was comfortable before spreading his legs for Sylvain. The redhead ran over to the desk quickly to retrieve some salve, the only form of lubricant available in a pinch, before coming back and positioning himself in front of Felix.

He coated three fingers, making sure they were slick, before towering over Felix and pulling him in for a kiss. “Sorry--” He murmured in between breaths. “I just wanted to kiss you again.”

As Sylvain devoured him in hot kisses, his finger worked on opening and stretching Felix. He pumped at a smooth rhythm, practically purring whenever Felix would gasp out. He dug deep, teasing his walls, and curling his finger, making Felix squirm. Gods, he could drive him senseless.

He added another finger, and then another until he had three fingers embedded in his lover. He pumped in and out, making sure he was loosened up before pulling out with a satisfied nod.

“Should be good.” He coated his hardened member with the rest of the lube and then positioned himself in front of Felix. His tip was barely grazing his entrance – just resting against it, but even the small pressure was enough to cause his dick to throb. He waited for Sylvain to give the okay, to which he murmured, “Don't hold back.”

Sylvain gave him a breathless smile, “I won't, baby.” The soft pet name drove Felix wild. Normally he couldn't stand pet names. Couldn't stand the superficial feel they gave. But with Sylvain? He adored them, uttering them from his lips. Not that Felix would ever admit it.  
Sylvain's sultry voice caused goosebumps to rise on his skin and he felt his heart go into overdrive when he repeated the same phrase back. “Don't you hold back either. I want to hear you. Every gasp, every breath. I want you to be loud for me.”

One last look, one last reassuring touch, and Sylvain pushed himself inside Felix at a slow pace. Felix hissed and clenched his hands into fists until he started to stretch and accommodate him. Sylvain waited, with the patience of a saint for him to get used to his size while peppering sweet kisses up the expanse of his lover's chest.

“Okay,” Felix coaxed. “I'm ready.”

Sylvain pushed further in until he was buried in Felix's hot walls. Felix let out a soft shudder as he felt his walls clench around Sylvain's hardened dick. He couldn't get how perfect they fit together – how easy it was to come together like this. Like they were made for one another. How could Felix have doubted it?

“You feel so good, Fe.” Sylvain murmured, kissing up his chest, and then reaching up to claim his mouth again. He gave an experimental roll of his hips, causing Felix to shudder and rake his nails down Sylvain's back. “I love you” the redhead panted in between kisses, “so much.”

He started thrusting at a slow rhythm. Just a gentle rocking of his hips, but even the slower ministrations were enough to make Felix tremble. Sylvain could draw out the foreplay, and the final climax all he wanted but Felix was sure he would come just from his touch and ministrations all on his own. Soft, hard, slow, fast, it didn't matter when it came to Sylvain. He could easily make Felix's hard shell melt away.

How smitten he was by this man. How strongly he adored him. He felt his heart kindle from the looks Sylvain would give him whenever he'd thrust. There was such a desire, such a wanton desperate need. He watched his face, watched his lips part in a small growl, or a moan. He watched his pupils dilate, eyes half-lidded, breathless by this sacred act. Felix couldn't get enough.

Before they'd never make eye contact, or they'd purposely choose positions so they wouldn't have to see each other's faces. But with this heart-throbbing experience, they couldn't have chosen a better position for Felix to ride Sylvain. They got to look in each other's eyes as they came undone. 

Felix arched his back as Sylvain thrust and hit him just right. He cried out, “There!” his voice cracking as he rolled his hips to collect some of the friction. Sylvain quickened his pace, and now Felix couldn't help the tumble of moans, gasps, and breathy shudders that escaped from his lips. It was like a wanton prayer for Sylvain and only Sylvain – his favourite prayer.

“I wish you could see how sexy and beautiful you look right now, Felix.” Sylvain breathed out, his breath hitching when he hit Felix's prostate. “Your sex face is gorgeous...”

Felix's skin flushed and sleek with sweat, his chest heaving with each breathy gasp, a blush dotting his cheeks, laying vulnerable and open for Sylvain, was enough for the redhead just to spill right then and there. But he went slow and steady, wanting to draw this out as long as possible. Kissing every inch of his skin, his hands roaming.

“Sylvain---” Felix's breath hitched again, and he rolled his hips against Sylvain's thrusts. “I'm getting close.”

“So am I,” Sylvain breathed. “Come for me, Felix. Let go....”

Sylvain's breathy little whispers and sensual touches were almost too much to bear. “Please--- please, I, fuck---” Curses spilled from his mouth and couldn't help but beg. “Sylvain, I need you.”

He quickened the pace, thrusting so hard and so deep, Felix couldn't stop the cries from tumbling out. Sylvain intertwined his hand with his – their fingers interlocking as they continued their passionate lovemaking. It was a chorus of cries, and moans, and pleading, and “I'm so close – I'm so close”, a symphony of sounds in a reverent crescendo.

Felix didn't care if the whole damn monastery heard him anymore. He was drowning in Sylvain's love and care and he'd be damned if he didn't show it. His breath was hot against Sylvain's cheeks, and their hands felt like molten lava clamped together in ecstasy.

Felix closed his eyes as he felt as the overwhelming sensation take him. He felt the crescendo come crashing down, the buildup, the pleasure, all settling in his stomach, fluttering, ready to spill. He could tell Sylvain was close, so close, because his grip on his hand tightened, his moaning increased, and his thighs were trembling every time he thrust. Gods he was breathtaking.

There was that final thrust – the one that brought him over the edge, and Sylvain screamed “I LOVE YOU!!” as he came undone. Sylvain's cries and admittance of love did Felix in and he came hard.

His walls tightened around Sylvain and he felt his seed fill him up completely, coating him entirely in his lover's essence. Their hands were still interlocked as they panted, coming down from their respective highs. The warmth of Sylvain inside him was almost comforting as he lay still.

Sylvain didn't pull out until he was soft and he leaned down to lap up the milky substance coating Felix's stomach. His tongue tickled the soft flesh and he couldn't help but squirm.

“Someone's ticklish,” Sylvain teased, licking his lips when he was done. He nestled into Felix again, pulling him close, and enveloping their bodies together. Felix rested his head against his chest listening to his heartbeat.

“Yeah, yeah,” Felix mumbled, but it was all just play and no bite. “If you tell anyone I'll make you regret it.”

“Is that a threat?” Sylvain teased, reaching down to kiss his forehead. “You know you're really bad at following through. Might want to start making promises instead of threats.”

“If you don't shut up I'll make you.”

“Really now?” Sylvain chuckled. “Care to put your money where your mouth is?”

And so he did, reaching up and slamming his lips against Sylvain's for what felt like the 50th time tonight. Although the kiss was to shut him up, it was also for Felix's own benefit. He couldn't get enough. He tangled his hands in his hair and passionately kissed him until they were both breathless.

When he pulled away, Sylvain tucked a strand of stray hair behind his ear, tenderly. His expression changed in the blink of an eye as the emotions got to him and Felix found he loved how soft Sylvain could get when he'd submit to his emotions.

“I love you so much...” Sylvain murmured, tenderly stroking his cheek. “So much.”

Felix swallowed hard, his heart getting caught in his throat at the admittance. He still wasn't used to hearing him confess his love, and he wasn't sure if he'd ever get used to it. It made him so incredibly soft. Felix looked him in the eyes and murmured back, “I love you, too.”

Another soft peck, a blissful sigh, and then a moment of silence that was comforting and quaint. They sat nestled in each other's arms for a while, just the soft breathing and the noise from the outside the only things within hearing distance. Suddenly it hit Felix. Hit him so hard he swore he stopped breathing.

“You ---” He reached out to touch Sylvain's cheek, intimately drawing him in. “You're going to stay the night, right?”

Sylvain brows furrowed and then it hit him, and a sheepish smile lit up his face. If Felix's face weren't so serious, he might have teased him and laughed. But since this was Felix, and Felix needed to hear things, just to know they were real, Sylvain said, “I'm going to stay forever.”

Felix felt like the breath got taken from him, his cheeks aflame, and he couldn't help but avert his eyes, suddenly getting shy. This is what he wanted for the longest time. He watched Sylvain leave his room so many times. Watched him go and then had to pick up the shattered pieces of his heart when Sylvain would break it again and again. Set himself up for disappointment again and again.

But here he was, in Felix's room with no intention to leave. Not just tonight, but forever. He was going to stay forever. Felix felt like his heart might burst. Tears pricked in the corners of his eyes, threatening to fall. He turned away from Sylvain now, Felix's back now facing him as a silent tear rained down his cheek.

“Hey,” Sylvain's breath tickled his neck, worry laced in his words. “Are you okay?”

“I'm fine,” Felix's voice cracked, and he had to clear his throat. “I'm just...happy. I'm really happy, Sylvain.”

“Me too,” He felt Sylvain kiss the back of his neck in a comforting gesture. “More than I can even express.” He snaked his arm over Felix, spooning him now, as they lay together.

“Did you want to go back to the party?” He asked. “That's the only way I'll leave this room tonight, and with you in tow might I add.”

Felix snorted, getting some of his playfulness back. “Hell no, I'm exhausted.”

“Honestly, I feel the same.” And to emphasize Sylvain yawned. “Let's just call it a night. Making love till midnight really saps you of energy, if I'm frank.”

Felix snorted, and then rolled back over to face him. “Tomorrow's a new day.”

Sylvain nodded, reaching out to run his fingers through Felix's raven locks. “We'll fall asleep together and when you wake up, I'll be by your side. I promise.”

Felix knew he gave him the reassurance because there was that nagging doubt in the back of his mind as if this were a dream, and when he would wake up it would be gone.

“This isn't a dream.” Sylvain murmured. “This is real. Tomorrow starts our new lives together. We're bonded by this promise, not only to stay beside each other's side until the end of time but also to cherish and love one another more than anything. A promise to love one another until the day we die.”

Felix loved the sound of that. Couldn't help but think about the future and where they'll be a month from now, a year from now, hell, ten years from now. This was real.

“Let's get some sleep,”

Sylvain pulled the sheets over them and pulled Felix close, the warmth of their naked bodies warming them completely.

“Tomorrow's a new day,” Sylvain murmured, his eyes starting to flutter shut. “We'll get breakfast together, and I'll annoy the shit out of you like I always do. Remember, you signed up for this.”

Felix snorted but reached up to plant a kiss on his forehead. He definitely signed up for this but he wouldn't have it any other way. He ran a hand through Sylvain's hair before whispering, “Good night.” as Sylvain drifted off to sleep.

Felix watched him for a while, just thinking about what tomorrow would bring. It truly was the start of their journey together as lovers. Their lives were becoming intertwined and Felix was so grateful for everything for it got them to where they were now. He listened to Sylvain's steady breathing and felt his heartbeat against his ear when sleep finally started to take him as well.

The final thoughts that overtook him were Sylvain. His touch, his smile, his kisses, him. All him. How he couldn't wait to spend the rest of his life with this man. Tomorrow was the first step in their journey, and for the first time in his life, he couldn't wait to rise early for he didn't want to waste a moment. He hummed softly, saying a silent prayer to the goddess, and thanking her for blessing him with Sylvain. He couldn't imagine a better partner to face this world with hand-in-hand.

They would bloom together just like an amaryllis flower, radiant and beautiful for all to see.

_Stay a while now, undress your colors  
'Cause they’re like no others, I’ve ever seen  
I could get used to your company  
Step inside  
So do I remind you of  
Someone you never met, a lonely silhouette?  
And do I remind you of  
Somewhere you wanna be, so far out of reach?  
Oh-oh, I wish you’d open up for me  
'Cause I wanna know you  
Amaryllis  
Bloom_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that wasn't too sappy ///// but at this point, I feel like these two deserve to have a passionate lovemaking session u know what I'm saying? 
> 
> Anyways if you liked this fic, leave a kudos and review. Or scream at me on Twitter. :D That shit fucking fuels me!! I've got two one-shots I'm gonna edit and post as well from the Nanowrimo backlog, so look forward to that! Other than that I'm done and prepping for this Nanowrimo. Editing hell has gone on long enough! xD
> 
> As always, thank you for the support! Be good! <3

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry hhsjdkfjskls. If you think this cliffhanger is bad wait till the next part. :'D REAL ANGST HOURS ARE UPON US. If I made you sad you are entitled to financial compensation.
> 
> Please yell about FE3H and Sylvix with me on [Twitter!](https://twitter.com/Aviditty)  
> THESE BOYS ARE EVERYTHING TO ME!!! ♡
> 
> Also!! This is based on my first playthrough which was Black Eagles, so it has everyone that I recruited from different classes, but mainly BE students!


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